Minimum Security

4 - Ain't None Of Us Going To Heaven

"Hello, new inmates," the female guard with blinding ginger hair greeted all of us.

"I'm Officer Dun and this is Officer Williams. We'll be conducting orientation for you today," the male guard with dyed firetruck-red hair announced.

"Oh, this is gonna be fun." Ryan chuckled and leaned forward.

"They're totally fucking, bro. Just look at them." Brendon whispered.

I looked at them, confused. "How can you spot that?"

"Look. She's giving him heart eyes," Ryan said quietly, pointing at Officer Williams.

"Yeah, and look, she's speaking and Dun's staring at her. Look at the lust in his eyes, man. That's not a normal friendship." Brendon whispered back.

My throat made a sound and I said, "Leave them alone, he looks pretty gay to me."

"No, what? I don't see it."

"Come on, look how he carries himself," I pointed out. "I have a gaydar, dude. It's almost always accurate."

"Fuck, I don't even know anymore," Ryan threw his hands up and leaned back in his seat.

"Excuse me," Officer Dun called out, hands on his hips. "We are conducting a formal orientation. Please be quiet and listen. Urie and Ross, you don't even need to be here so SHHH!"

I remained silent as Brendon and Ryan fought hard to stifle their laughter.

"Yup, you were right, definitely gay." Ryan whispered, letting out silent giggles.

"You will be given khaki uniforms by the end of this week," Officer Williams said. "Khaki insinuates non-violent status, so causing trouble within this week may earn you extra days of orange scrubs."

Officer Dun coughed. "And that depends on the severity of your offense, inmates. Also, orange is very hard to pull off, so it's better if you behave."

Brendon covered his mouth as he was laughing too hard. "What? He sounds like the damn fashion police."

Orientation ended a few minutes after that and the people in the chapel left faster than they arrived. We headed toward the yard for some sun.

We sat ourselves down by the fence, a little ways away from the Mexicans, who, thankfully, were no longer sniffing grass. Frank joined us a little while later.

"Hey, boys," Frank said as he propped himself next to me. "Beautiful day."

"It would be better if we had some snacks." Ryan said sarcastically.

"Gotcha," Frank chuckled and handed us a bag. "I got some pudding cups and chips. Knock yourselves out."

"These aren't the pudding cups where you gotta scrape off the mold, are they?" Brendon asked cautiously before peeling back the foil cover.

"Dumbass, why would I give that to you?" Frank said, pulling out a bag of chips. "I'm saving those for future pranks."

"Just making sure." Brendon replied gleefully as he opened the pudding and started pigging out.

"Hey, give us a heads up, what's for lunch?" Ryan asked, ripping open a bag of Doritos.

"It's chicken and mixed vegetables," Frank answered, popping a chip in his mouth. "The good kind we make from scratch, not the ones Armstrong makes us boil in a bag."

"How do you know it's good? You don't even eat meat." Ryan said.

"Well, Ray cooks it, and he's from Puerto Rico, so I bet he knows his spices," Frank said simply, inspecting a chip and taking a bite. "And he's, like, a type of high sauce wizard. We like to discuss barbecue techniques."

"True. Ray makes good food." Brendon agreed as he reached for another pudding.

"Who's Ray?" I asked, picking out a cup of vanilla pudding.

"Oh, you should meet him, he's a really good friend of ours," Frank replied. "He's really nice. He's like the cool uncle of Blackhill."

"He's the one with the awesome fro," Brendon interjected, "but they make him cut it short sometimes. They probably think he can hide little baggies of heroin in his hair or some shit."

Frank chuckled. "Well, you can't rule that out. I bet Bren can hide a whole pound of heroin in his forehead."

"Don't be stupid, I don't do heroin." Brendon scoffed.

"Fine. What about whole field of cannabis?"

"Tsk, honey, if I could hide that much weed in my forehead, I wouldn't share any of it with you."