Who Wants To Live Forever

Words Left Unspoken

In the darkness of the room that had been,that still was, Yuuri's room  Phichit laid  there on the bed  staring up at the ceiling. The familiar sounds of the inn, the clatter of dishes,the quiet conversations,the laughter, the scraping of chairs on the wood floors and footsteps in the hallways,, and the noises of the world outside were fading as night  settled on the village.  Those sounds should be comforting, the safe certainty of everyday life. But he knew the truth.  There was little comfort here anymore.  Comfort had been replaced by sadness and fear.

 Life was going on.  But here it had been forever altered.  There existed a hole that could never be filled, a thing forever lost. 

He came here to stay and help Yuuri's family, knowing they would need him and that  his friend would want him to do this.  He arrived here the moment he realized Yuuri had gone missing,that his family was in a near state of panic and worry, his first intention being to help find his friend. Yuuri had been known to wander off  on his own from time to time, wanting to be alone and think over whatever might be  troubling him. But never for so long,never without telling someone where he was going and he was always back before dinnertime so he could help Mari. It wasn't like Yuuri to do this and after their conversation Phichit felt even more concerned.

He should have told Yuuri.

You always think there will be time, that there will be that elusive right day and right time to say what you want without fear.  You never believe that one day there will be no more chances, that the one you care so deeply about will be gone,taking everything that might have been with them.  The thought remaining there in your mind,wondering what could have been if you'd found the courage and taken the risk.  Yuuri never quite knew how many friends he truly had,how many people cared for him,respected him and loved him.  His anxieties always clouded reality.  

There were regrets Phichit would carry with him from now on.

Despite how he had reassured Yuuri's family that he would be found safe and sound,that Yuuri would come back apologizing for having made them so worried  Phichit couldn't shake the feeling that Yuuri was never coming back.  No matter how hard he tried, it would not go away, and such thoughts him feel ashamed. 

There were things Phichit had wanted to say for a long time but uncertainty and the fear that it might end their close friendship kept him silent.  He valued the bond they developed since their childhood, more than he believed Yuuri ever knew.  He already missed the times they spent here in this room,talking,laughing or just sitting in the  comfortable silence shared by people who knew each other enough not to need constant reassurance. How many times had he comforted Yuuri when his doubts and anxieties got the better of him,when he felt unable to do anything  but cry in his friend's arms.  

Maybe he should have listened more carefully, given more attention when Yuuri came to him the last time a few days ago. Yuuri hadn't told him everything,there was more he wanted to say but for some reason he couldn't. He wished Yuuri had known he could trust him, Phichit would never mock him or go against his wishes-not ever.  For that reason he hadn't told anyone what Yuuri told him.  He feared it might cause people to think differently about his friend,question his motive in leaving and do harm to how respected and loved he was in this village.  Now he wondered if that had been a mistake.

The soldiers arrived, search parties were formed and everyone that could went out in those first three days and nights. They searched the village,every single bit of it, then the farms beyond and the forest where the gypsies were questioned ,quite harshly he  had heard. All of it seemed to be in vain.   People in the nearby town were also questioned but all clues led to nothing. There was no sign of Yuuri anywhere. They even went up to the mountain path, but they returned with stories of being stalked by wolves in the daylight and getting lost on the trails.  When they returned to the inn after four days and informed he family that they would no longer be searching, that they considered any further attempts useless and that Yuuri had probably run off to the city  Yuuri's family responded with anger.

Mari,he remembered,had shouted swears and curses at them, calling them many horrible,vile things until her father held her and she broke into sobs. He had hugged Yuuri's mother tightly, telling her he wouldn't stop looking,that he'd never stop hoping for Yuuri's return. 

He felt horrible for lying. 

Nearly eight days had passed since Phichit last say his friend, there had been no word from him,no sign anywhere and every attempt to find him led nowhere.  

Yuuri had come to him for help and support and Phichit had failed him. He didn't know why Yuuri had lied,why he felt he needed to lie to his family before he left.  The realization that perhaps Yuuri had been in trouble, that the danger far more than either of them thought, and the unending,growing thought that his friend was gone felt like daggers in his heart.

Life went on, for some people.  People were going about their daily business, each  day the sun would rise and then set .  Nothing could prevent time from passing and  life from continuing as if nothing had happened. At least for most people.

For Yuuri's family and for himself they existed in a new place born of uncertainty, doubts,hopes and fears.  If Yuuri was never found they would never know and would always wonder.  

What might have happened if he'd told Yuuri?   If he had chosen to risk their friendship  for the possibility of something more?  Would he have gone away like he did, would he have opened up completely to Phichit and trusted him more completely?  

He could do nothing more than curl up on the bed that had been Yuuri's, draw the covers closer and let the memories give him what comfort they could. He felt like a failure,that he had failed Yuuri and let something happen to him. That because of him Yuuri was gone forever and he would never again hold him in his arms,never make him smile and laugh or even help him with his chores here.  The shame  and guilt he felt was close to overwhelming him.  What kind of friend was he?  Maybe he didn't deserve Yuuri and  that was why he had been taken away.  Phichit felt should have done more to protect him,to keep him safe.

If Yuuri was gone it was his fault. 

"Where have you gone,Yuuri?"  his voice was cracking, finding it impossible to keep the pain  away anymore.  "Why couldn't you take me with you?"

There was no reply. He really hadn't expected one, but hope was very difficult to destroy completely.

Phichit had never felt so utterly alone.