Marionette (A 'The 5th Wave' Fanfiction) [COMPLETED] #wattys2017

21. Strings; Chapter III.

    Needn't say I slowly but steadily begin to fall for Zombie/Ben. And he catches me every time.

    I realize just how wrong this is. For many reasons. First, we're in a frickin' military camp. Most of us will die if not all of us. Associating in any further attachments among recruits rather than the basic trust and acceptance isn't correct. Forbidden nearly.

    Second, the age gap. I recently just turned fifteen and he's nearly eighteen. This is not only forbidden but illegal. Though, in a world like this, can wrong still be differentiated from right?

    I could go on, talking about the cons. Heck, I could make a dramatic ballad out of them. What's truly my biggest insecurity is my own better judgement. Not that Ben isn't really nice or anything. I can't not remember how I felt with Slingshot and Mononoke. They had a thing for each other and I thought it was just so wrong. That love was so wrong. Is so wrong.

    Now I'm exactly what I never wanted to become. Not only with Ben, but everything. I'm losing passion towards things I cherished most. Like all emotion is leaving me to create this puppet with a gun. This is not me. Yet it's all I am.

    And Zombie is just further making this scale unequal. It's not stable. He could fall over at any time.

    So I do what I always do-- follow orders. I wake up, get ready for the day, go for a run, have breakfast, train till lunch, have lunch, train till dinner, have dinner and go to sleep. This routine is keeping me somewhat sane.

    At nights when Ben whispers to me I don't move. I pretend to be asleep. I do nothing.

    If he payed close attention -one you don't get very much at camp- he would notice my uneven breathing. Like choking.

    He does not question me about it. He must think I'm just tired and am finally able to fall asleep. He doesn't try to wake me. I feel guilty. Like every time I let his voice wander around the room and don't answer him I'm killing something really precious. What else can I do? I'm trained to kill.