30 Things I Wish I Told You

9 - I Couldn't Cook

If you have a brother or a sister that you are very close to, you probably wouldn't like to lose them over a completely unnecessary mistake you didn't have to make.

It never happened to me, but I imagine that it's a feeling similar to the one that I felt when Max left. I sat on the edge of my messy bed, staring out the window. It was already dark outside and a cold silence filled the room, only the occasional mechanical sound of the air conditioner managing to break it.

It was hard not to blow up Max's phone - even though I didn't know what I could've said. That I was sorry? That I didn't do anything with you?

But Max already knew all of that. And it didn't change the fact that I lied to him.

"Faye," I didn't hear you when you walked into my room.

I sighed and turned around to look at you. It was so unreal to see you standing against my light beige wall covered with sketches of various plants I knew all the names of. Your white shirt was peeking under the orange and white Adidas jacket I never thought I could like on a person, but it looked strangely good with your dirty blonde hair surrounding it.

"I didn't mean to... make a mess," you came closer.

"It's not your fault," I lifted my legs up and pushed my back against the wall and you sat down where I was sitting a few seconds before, "I shouldn't have lied to him."

"Why did you lie? Would he have had a problem with me staying here?"

Would he? I didn't know. It obviously wasn't an ideal situation for someone in a relationship, but Max could've come over and hung out with us. Slept over even.

"No, I don't think so," I finally replied, resting my head on my hand, the elbow of my arm resting on my knee.

"Then why did you do it?"

"I don't know. Sometimes it's easier to lie I guess," I stared at my duvet that was all over the place. Now that I think about it, even though it was mostly subconscious - I longed to be alone with you, even though I was scared of it.

"I mean, I can't say that I don't see why he got mad. You lied about me being here and you told me that you didn't have a boyfriend - it doesn't really paint a pretty picture for him." I felt my blood burning under my skin at your comment. But in reality, Max didn't know about the second part and I was glad about it. He didn't need to feel any worse.

"It's not like that," I bit the inside of my cheek and looked away from you, playing with the end of my top, "I mean, yes it's like that, but it's not like that."

"Why are you so embarrassed?"

I curled my toes under the cold covers.

"I'm not embarrassed," I still wasn't looking at you.

"Your whole body is tense," you smirked, looking at me amused.

"No, it's not. I'm just cold," I bit the inside of my cheek harder, knowing it didn't make any sense since I lived and slept under the AC every day, and could have easily turned it off if I wanted to.

"Whatever you say," you smiled and leaned over the bed to get the duvet, resting your torso over my calves for a moment and I flinched at the sudden contact.

"I would tell you something right now, but you've already experienced enough emotions in one night. I don't think you could take it," you said convinced, throwing the duvet over me, "Go get some sleep, Faye."

With that you walked out, turning off the lights and partly closing the door behind you.

I couldn't bring myself to sleep properly that night. I kept having short nightmares that I couldn't remember, but they left me with an uneasy feeling every time I would wake up.