Losing Time (boy x boy) [COMPLETED]

Chapter Fifteen

A/N: I just wanted to thank you all! You're so supportive! I know not many people read this, but I'm grateful for the ones who have! It's been rough for me recently, but I know it's no excuse for not updating. So sorry, cookies! Btw, slight trigger warning! Thoughts of suicide and degrading oneself!

The trek is a long one and the day is scorching. We're close to the hideout and I beg that Devon and Lis are there. I yearn to be held in my lover's arms again. I yearn to hold my sister close and protect her from everything. Annie reminds me of Lis when she was little, only where Lis's hair is a golden blond, Annie's hair is raven black.

Even though I wish to see them, a part of me knows I won't find them there. I can hope all I want to, but I still know the truth. They won't be there to greet me. I cringe to think how many died that day, how little of us will be left when I get there. So many bodies had littered the floor. How many are gone to never return, who are the dead? How many families are grieving over their dead?

I glance down at Annie. For her age, she's always so somber. Are her parents alive? Was it their blood on her? Did she watch them die, as I'd watched my parents die all those years ago?

I look away. I can't think about that, not now. She grabs my hand. I know she's wondering the same thing: has the ministry turned her into an orphan? She squeezes my hand as the cave comes into view.

Right before we enter the mouth of the cave, I hear guns cock. I freeze, pulling Annie closer to me. I raise my hands, indicating she do the same. We're thoroughly scanned, both physically and electronically. They want to make sure we haven't been chipped, as Dylan was, or brainwashed. Both show up electronically.

When they're satisfied, they let us pass. Annie wrings her hands nervously on the way down. I pat her head comfortingly. She smiles up a me. We finally arrive at the main plaza area.

Julia sees me and almost tackles me as we hug. "I thought you were dead, you idiot," she says. "Don't ever run off like that again!"

"I had to find them," I reply, pulling away. "Are they here?"

She looks away. "I'm sorry, Jaxon."

I nod, forcing tears back. "I thought as much."

"Who's this?" She looks at Annie.

"This is Annie. Annie, this is Julia. I'm helping her find her parents."

She tugs on my sleeve and points at a worried-looking couple. "Can I go?"

"Is that them?" She nods. "Then go. They're probably worried sick." She runs to them and they embrace her. The father lifts his head and nods curtly at me. I know it's his way of thanking me, so I smile in response.

I turn back to Julia. "Are you sure you haven't seen them?"

"I'm sorry, Jaxon. But they could be out there, lost or hiding."

"Yeah." I raise my voice so everyone can hear. "We're going to send out search parties. We NEED to find any survivors. Leave the dead, we'll bury them later." I begin breaking people up into groups. Those with kids, one parent must stay behind. Then, I lead the first search party out.

We search until dusk and then return. That night, I receive no sleep. Knowing the two most important people in my life are out there, possibly dying, terrifies me. I get up, exhausted, but I manage to lead another search. Again, we find nothing.

I finally fall asleep, only to be plagued by nightmares. Another sleepless night passes. Time drags on, each hour seeming to equal a day. I have fallen into a deep, dark depression. I no longer join the searches, opting instead to stare at the ceiling.

Julia tries to drag me into the light, but I refuse her every attempt. Everyone I care about is gone. What's the point of living anymore? Why am I still existing? Everyone else has lost all hope. How can I keep mine, when there's none to be had?

The depression is an abyss. It's cold and dark, but it's safe. Once it fully claims me, there will be no escape, no light, and no warmth. I feel dead inside, as if everything that previously kept me alive is gone. I am nothing and nothing is me.

"Jaxon, we'll find them. You'll see." I stare at Julia, but I don't see her. All I see is my own guilt. If I hadn't insisted we bring Dylan back and bury him, they wouldn't have been able to track us.

Julia begins talking again, but all I can hear are the dead screaming at me. The ones I got killed. At one point, I hear Dylan's voice, accusing me of wanting to get rid of him and his unrequited love.

'It's your fault!' they yell. 'You killed us!'

The voices echo menacingly in my head. There's so many voices, so many accusations.

'You're worthless!' 'You can't do anything right!' 'Murderer!' All of them are correct, I AM those things. 'You destroy everything you touch!' 'Why don't you do everyone a favor and end it?!'

Then, all the voices are chanting, 'End it!' Without thinking, I grab my knife and hold it to my throat. I'll kill myself just as Dylan did. He never deserved to die, but I do. 'Do it, you coward!' 'Man up!' 'Do what you should have done a while ago!'

"Jaxon, no!" Julia yanks the knife from my grasp and places handcuffs on my wrist. "Why would you try to kill yourself?!"

"It's all my fault," is my answer.

She sighs. "I'll be back."

~*~

Julia hasn't let me out of her sight all day, though she removes the handcuffs. She's always near me and panics when I stray too far. If I wasn't so lost in the abyss, I might have been touched by how much she cares.

Julia sighs. "After today, they're giving up the searches." I don't respond. She simply looks away. Then she turns back and grabs my arm. "Come on. You need to socialize."

I protest, not wanting to be around virtual strangers, but it's feeble. I don't care about anything anymore. Besides, it's not like I have a choice. Julia is dragging me and that's when I realize, she's stronger than I am. When did I get so weak?