How to date a Nerd

Chapter 15

"That's my point. Why am I the only one who gets to see both sides of you?" My eyes drop to the floor. "You should know the answer to that."

"Why should I know? You're so hot and cold. One minute you're the girl who used to be my best friend, spouting off inside jokes, playing video games, laughing. But then you become someone who's ashamed of not only me but yourself." She stops as I take it all in. I don't know what to say because he's right. And I have no idea how to explain it.

"What happened last night?" I gulp and give her the only answer I have. "I drank. A lot."

"And kissing me just now. Was that some kind of side effect?" I shrug as waves of stupidity roll over me. "T-that's not why... I-I mean I didn't mean to... It just sort of happened."

"Like before? It just happened and then you..." She pauses for a second, and I shift on the floor to my knees in case I need to bolt from the room crying.

"Look," she says, her voice softening, "my dad left when I was thirteen. My mom was a mess, and she used work to help her escape it all. I only had one thing." She pulls me up from the floor. "You." My heart thumps an extra beat as her eyes meet mine, and she drops my hand.

"You took my mind off everything. Playing video games, going to conventions, watching Lord of the Rings all in one day and repeating the Elvish language to me. You made me laugh, and it was something I could only share with you." "Is that why it's important to you?" I whisper.

She ignores me. "I couldn't help but feel something more for you. I thought you felt it too, but then things got all screwed up."

I wrap my arms around myself, trying to hide the word "guilt" which I'm sure is painted all over my body. She turns away and leans her forehead against her door before punching the wood with her fist.

"You cut me out, Zo. The one person who helped me through everything, and you left. Just like he did." My mouth drops. Is that seriously how she feels? Comparing me to her prick of a dad?

Crap, she's totally right though. I did bail. I didn't think it was possible to sink into a lower spot than I was before, but here I am, plummeting down into the pits of emotional hell. "And now both of you are trying to get back in my life, without so much as an 'I'm sorry'."

She turns back around, her hair falling in front of her eyes. They're watery, but she's not crying. It's more like she's torn. So frustrated with herself. Her dad. Me. "I never left," I mutter. "Not really." Because Geek Camila is still here.

The corner of her mouth twitches. "Yeah, with you, it seems worse. I have to see you every day. I see you fall short of who you could be all the time. I hear things about you. Things I know can't be true because you're better than that. And hating myself for thinking, what if you're not? What if everything is true? And you've become a different person? And I've lost you forever?"

"You'll never lose me." She won't. I'm still me... somewhere, and especially with him. I'm still me. She shakes her head and doesn't look at me. I cross the room and grab her face, forcing those green eyes to look into mine.

"I'm. So. Sorry. For everything." Crap here come the water works. I sniffle and try to push them away. "I still feel everything for you. Still..." I want to say it but I can't. Not now. Not after being compared to her dad. Not after everything I've put her through over the past few years. Saying everything I feel for her would be wrong right now. "Care for you."

Her eyes tighten, and I hope she's ready to give into me again. But her voice comes out low and hurt, tossing my expectations for anything more with her right out the window. "I don't believe you."

I've lost the ability to breathe. Like I've been shot with poison directly in my lungs. "What?" I say my voice quivering. 

"I don't believe you're sorry." Now my breathing is abnormal, like hyperventilating to the point of passing out. "Why not?"

"What'll happen on Monday, Camila? When we're back in school and I want to hold your hand in the hallway? When I want to say more than two words to you? When I want you to sit with me at lunch? When one of your friends is shoving me around? Are you going to do anything" 

I don't answer. I can't answer without it hurting either one of us.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." She wiggles from my hold, and I let her, still too stunned and hurt and guilty to move at all. I hate crying. It seems like it's all I ever do. And I will not cry in front of her again. She's not the reason why I feel like this.

I am.

"Um, can you forget about this?" I wish I didn't have to ask that so much. And really wish my voice didn't crack a million times in that sentence.

Her green eyes shine as she looks at me, her face fighting between hurt and concern. She still worries about me, even after all I've done. I so don't deserve her.

She finally opens her mouth to say something, and I can tell she's still fighting her torn emotions. "I don't want to forget. Even though you were backwards drunk," she reddens as her eyes flick to his bathroom, "you're close to the girl I used to know."

I try to smile, but not sure how it looks. Maybe I can get in some sort of, I don't know, gratitude or something because I totally sucked at that. And because she needs to know I do care about her. "Um, thanks for helping me last night. My parents would've killed me if I... yeah. So, thanks."

She nods, shuffling her feet. She grabs her jacket and walks over to me.

"Come on, I'll make sure you get home okay."