Yuffie's Writing How-To's

How to write BIG AGE GAPS

So apparently there are stories on here that romanticize relationships between a ten year old and a guy in his forties, and the fans seem to think this is okay. Oh, god, I want to find that author and slap some sense into them with my wet fish.

Let me share the definition of pedophila with you guys (from dictionary.com): "the condition of being sexually attracted to children."

Let's break this down, shall we? An adult is 18 and up. Anything under that is a child. It's considered sexual assault for anyone over the age of 18 to have sexual intercourse with a minor (under the age of 18). But that doesn't mean it's wrong to have a 17-year-old character dating an 18-year-old. The moment they have sex, though, this gets iffy, because by today's laws and standards, it's illegal.

If you're trying to portray a healthy relationship between your characters, try not to have any sex between a minor and an adult if you can avoid it. It might be okay if they have a very small age gap of a year or two (like one's 17 and the other is 18ish). But if you want to absolutely be safe from being called out on this and/or inadvertantly promoting pedophilia and sexual assault, refrain of sexual encounters between minors and adults.

From the psychological disorder standpoint, it's pedophilia if there is at least a 5 year age gap between the two people and the younger one is a minor and the older one is an adult. Of course, this is constantly debated as being over-inclusive by some and under-inclusive by others. (Also, if any information in this post is outdated or just plain wrong, please correct me!) Just throwing it out there so you guys are aware of the formal defitions.

It's absolutely okay to have semi-large age gaps between your romantically involved characters if they're both over the age of 18. No problem there whatsoever. (Wasn't Hugh Hefner engaged to someone like 60 years younger than him? That, my friends, is an exception and is completely disgusting i don't care what anyone says or whether their love was real or not. ew.) My co-worker is 23 and dating someone 6 years older than her. Just as a personal preference, 10+ years for an age gap is starting to encroach on creepy, so be careful. But my friend's parents were 15 years apart and did fine.

In one of Tamora Pierce's series, her character Daine is 15, and she falls in love with her mentor, Numair, who's 30. This made me raise an eyebrow. It was downright creepy, and even Numair voiced this, saying he was "cannoodling" when she was running around in diapers. Another character voiced his annoyance that he was too old for her, too. In our society, this is an obvious example of pedophilia, but it's slightly believable and "okay" (I use "okay" loosely) because of the society and culture of that world Daine and Numair live in. In older times in our world (and probably still today), there were always arranged marriages between old creepy guys and kids.

I'm not going to condone a sexual relationship between an adult and a minor, and with my own stories, I do my best to avoid it. If I have to have a minor fall in love with someone over the age of 18, I make sure she's at least 17 so by the time they start "canoodling ;)" she'll likely be 18 or just a month or two away.

So make your own decisions about the ages of your romantically involved characters. It's a little gray if they're both around 18 years old, but start making a 15 year old date someone in his late 20s or even older, and it's blatant pedophilia.

Even if it's okay in the society you're writing, keep in mind it's telling the readers that this might be okay in today's society. It's not. Every time a young boy or girl sees a depiction of pedophia being romanticized and passed as being fine and dandy, it'll influence them to think it's okay for them, too. Romanticizing huge age gaps for relationships encourages readers that this is good and desirable.

I hope I'm making some sense. My thoughts on this are kind of jumbled, and I'm still on the fence with some specific examples. In the example with Daine and Numair, they both truly loved each other and went on to live happy, fulfilling lives. So was their relationship still wrong and creepy? But then some 15 year old today reads this book and might think, "Hey! If Daine can date a 30 year old guy, so can I!" Not every reader will think like this, of course, but there might be that one person who takes it to heart. Your one story probably won't ruin someone's life either, but it just adds to the problem. It's like advertizing--the more you see something, it's subliminally encourages you toward it. One more account where huge age gaps and pedophilia were okay.

Then look at vampire romances. In Twilight, Edward is like 100something while Bella's 17, but that relationship was seen as okay because he still looked 17. In The Vampire Diaries tv show (which I absolutely adore!), Damon and Stefan are like several hundred years old, and Elena still falls in love with each of them at some point. I didn't realize this until recently, and it made me go "wait a minute..... this is creepy......" So is it right or wrong? Make your own decision about whether you agree with it or not.

This is a very gray area, so for your stories, I'd advise you to try and stay as far away from the gray area as possible. If you can't help it and need a big age gap, don't let me stop you, just be aware of how you're portraying it.

So what are your guys' thoughts on this? What ages are unacceptable, and do you think there are exceptions, such as with Numair and Daine truly loving each other on a deeper level, not just a physical one, or like with Twilight and TVD where the old vampires still look young? Are those exceptions or are they still inherently bad, just masked?