One Chance, One Choice [On Hold]

Chapter 6

~~~

June 2008

The song faded out and the DJ started talking, but we continued to shuffle around for a while longer; eventually, though we stepped apart slightly and I lost myself in her eyes as she gazed up at me.

"Coffee's getting cold" she said,

"Hmm?"

"Coffee? Dark brown drink, also known as liquid sanity?"

"Oh, yes, coffee" we broke apart and returned to the table and our drinks

"If loving you is insanity, I don't want to be sane." I pushed my mug away as I spoke, Tara pushed it back

"Loving you is sanity, I drink a helluva lot more of this stuff when I'm working away." She grinned and took a sip of hers. I took my mug again,

"I can drink to that, to coffee, for keeping us sane when we're apart."

~~~

August 2016

"You've got a silly grin on your face Hamish, whatever were you thinking of?"

"Ye're mam o' course, and liquid sanity"

"What a bloody good idea! Coffee," Danni looked at the coffee machine and back at me

"I'll make some then, shall I? Ye seem at a loss when faced wi' the Beast" I winked, it was almost normal, she was almost Tara, it was almost enough to get me through this day.

With fresh coffee in our mugs, it was time For Danni to do the talking, I simply sat and listened as she recounted memory after memory of her mother. They were beautiful to hear and Danni had a way of breathing life into them so that I could see Tara's emotions written clearly across her face in my mind's eye; the horror when five-year-old Danni hid too well during a game of hide-and-seek, the terror when seven-year-old Danni first climbed a tree, the disappointment when Danni didn't get the starring role in the school play and her pride when Danni successfully auditioned for RADA; That one I remembered as well, we had been together a while by then.

"She used to get depressed a lot though, all through my childhood; of course, I didn't recognise it, I had no understanding of something so dark at that age," she paused and smiled at me "I resented you when you first got together, because you made her happy, I was used to being the only one who could make her smile and then you came along and she didn't just smile, her whole being shone, her step was lighter, her laugh was ever present, I felt replaced."

"Auch! I tried so hard to mek sure that didna happen, and ye tell me I failed?"

"Only to begin with, I didn't understand you see, it had always been just the two of us against the World and then we suddenly weren't against the World, we were part of it and she was happy about that, it felt for a while like my life until then had been nothing but a lie. I can't blame you for my mum falling in love, and once I fell in love for the first time, I got it, I understood how your view of life changes, how important things move around to make room for a new important person."

"So why do ye think she didna tell me she was dying? Surely love means sharing stuff like that not bottling it up."

"Maybe she didn't want to see that worried look on your face every time she glanced at you, maybe she ignored it in hopes it would just go away, I don't know why she didn't tell you, what I do know is that in her mind, what she did was the right thing, and she would have weighed it up carefully before coming to that decision. If I know nothing else, I know she did that out of love."

"Aye, I ken that, I just dinna ken why she didna e'en gi' me a clue, I keep trying tae spot a moment but I dinna e'en know how long she was ill, I guess I'm feeling a little betrayed and tha's just daft." I half shrugged and looked up from my mug, Robert had just stuck his head round the door to see how we were getting along,

"Come on in Bob, and Em, stop hovering in the hall, the coffee is fresh and we've only been reminiscing, two more memories will help."

"Only really here for the coffee," Robert winked

"So, what memories have you been sharing? Nothing juicy as it's her daughter sitting here but she was a brilliant source of good memories" Added Emily, sidling past her husband and grabbing a fresh mug of the offered coffee.

The conversation continued to flow as fast as the coffee and several hours passed with a pleasant atmosphere surrounding the four of them, every now and then a cloud would descend over me, and the others would dig deep to find a reminiscence to pull me out of myself again. It was Danni's phone that broke through,

"Damn! I forgot to call Tom to let him know I had arrived, he's probably having kittens by now!" She answered the call as she pushed her chair back and left the room "Hello Sweetie, sorry! I completely..." Her voice faded as the door closed behind her.

"She gets tha' from her mum, how many times did she no call me from a location? I reckon as tha's why I turned grey!"

Robert laughed and choked on his half-swallowed drink, "I think I turned grey from watching the two of you" he added eventually

"Well I've been colouring my hair ever since they first met, I've never seen two people so mad about each other be so oblivious of the other's feelings, I swear I could've knocked your heads together up on the old set in Scotland. That's if I could find you through that god-awful mist!"

"Auch! Tha stuff was dreidful wasna it? Mind you, there was a beauty to it too, watching her appear from it is a memory that I will never lose." I smiled and my eyes misted over as I wandered down the lane to the past again, Em and Robert nodded and stood, taking their leave as silently as they could, they picked up Danni, just heading back into the kitchen and steered her out the door with them.

"Time for him to be alone for a bit, we'll pop back in an hour or two, or if he calls us. You can come shopping with me Danni, if you're up for it, I don't really know how you deal with this sort of situation, I think I would be a total mess but who knows until it happens. You've just flown away from your support network so I guess we step in to take their place or do you have some friends over here at the moment?" Em looked at Danni, who for a moment looked like a lost little girl,

"Shopping would be good, I have a few friends in town but shopping is always a good way to ignore reality; and I really do want to ignore reality right now."