Captive - FourTris

Thirty-Nine

"He's not bad when he's sober," he finally says.

"Oh." What am I supposed to say to that?

"He managed it for a few months when I was thirteen.

We thought he was doing so well. But he started acting like an asshole again. And then I knocked over a trash can in the garage. The bottles and cans went everywhere. He hit me for that. For making a mess, he said. But I think it was because I told my mom he was drinking again."

He doesn't usually say things like this, so nonchalant. He just says little pieces of the truth, and I'm left trying to figure out the puzzle of his past. He hasn't opened up like this before.

I've never seen the whole hand of cards. He holds it close to his chest. But I'm glad he trusts me. We've been together less than two months, but it feels like we've never been apart.

Tobias spells out HOUSE on the board.
I chew on my lip and stare at the letters on my little tray, trying to decide between REGRETS and GREEN.

"You look cute when you do that," he says.

I look up and smile at him and he smiles back, his eyes bright. I love these moments. These moments when he forgets about Marcus because he's thinking of me.

I finally choose GREEN and mark down my points. My hair slides into my eyes as I scribble down the number, and before I can move it, he does it for me. His fingers slide the strands back behind my ear and he leaves his hand there, his fingers on the edge of my jaw and his thumb brushing my cheek, back and forth as he stares at me with his dark blue eyes.

We stay like that for longer than normal, just staring at one another.

And I know in that moment that I love him. I know in that moment that I am his, and that I don't want to be anywhere else but in this room right now, staring back at him.

"I love you," he says. It seems like he's been saying it since we met, though I guess it's only been a few weeks. Still, it's like he knew the moment we went on that first date that he'd fall in love with me, and he just had to wait for me to love him back. Maybe because no one else ever gives him a chance, and I did.

He's been speaking those three words while I smile and hug him and stay silent, and the desire to say it back grows.

"I love you too."

His eyes melt. He looks deeper at me, like he wants to see it in my eyes, like he wants to know it's true.

"You swear?" he says. It comes out like a whisper. We're still not moving, just staring and frozen like this.

"Yes. I swear. I love you."

He crawls across the Scrabble board and the words go everywhere, but neither of us care. He kisses me long and hard and I close my eyes, and I feel the urgency behind his lips.

In seconds I'm lying back against the ground, and the letters are tangling in my hair, and he's kissing me, his hands on my face, and there is a raw need that has never been there before. But I feel it too. I feel the heat, the absolute thirst for him.

I know his door isn't locked, but I know, too, that no one will bother us. They exist in Tobias's world, but he doesn't exist in theirs.

His hands slide up my shirt. I pull on his, too, and in seconds we are naked from the waist up and he's kissing me everywhere.

My arms, my shoulders, my chest, my stomach. Every inch of me, as if he can't get enough. Quick, butterfly kisses. His eyelashes tickle and set me on fire.

When he pulls my jeans off, I'm thankful it is dark, because I have never been unclothed like this in front of him. I have never let him see me like this.

As if he can read my thoughts, he pulls a blanket over us so that we are cloaked in it.
When he reaches into the nightstand, my heart nearly stops. I know what he's getting.
And I suddenly freeze. I think I'm ready for this. I am, right?

But as he pulls the little wrapper from the box, I'm paralyzed. The only thing moving is my chest, as it rises and falls with my panting.

And he knows, and he closes the drawer again.

"I'm ... we can still ..." I say.

"No," he whispers in my ear. He lies on top of me so that every inch is touching me, skin on skin. "You're not ready."

He shifts his weight and props himself up on an elbow.

"I love you. You might think you're ready, but you're not."

"I am ready. I'm just scared."

"Then we'll wait until you're not."

I nod my head and blink back the tears. I love that he knows me like this. I love that I didn't have to say anything for him to know.

I pull him closer so that my face rests against his shoulder and I close my eyes. All I can feel is his body heat.

And it feels good. I know I only have forty-two minutes left with him before I have to leave. Before curfew.

But I will enjoy our forty-two minutes. And tomorrow there will be more.

And the day after that.

And we will spend every moment together.

Because that is what I want.