Captive - FourTris

Thirty-One

AUGUST 30
1 YEAR

I listen to Tobias plead with me through the door, my forehead still resting on my knees, my eyes closed.

He must be getting soaked out there.

Knowing him, he's not even wearing a jacket—probably just a thermal underneath a T-shirt.

Thunder rumbles from somewhere distant, grows louder, and then disappears again.
Tobias is shouting to be heard over the storm.

I lift my head up and look at the window, and watch the rivulets of water streaming down the glass. I wish it was as easy to wash away the pain.

He lowers his voice a little as he pleads with me. "I promise you. I swear, I will never do this again. I'll get help this time. I went too far, I know. I'll go to anger management or counseling or something. Anything. Please, Tris, just let me in. Let me take care of you. I need you."

I rest my forehead on my knees again.

I know he needs me.

That's the problem.

He needs me to fight away the wars he wages with himself. He needs me to hold him together so he doesn't crack right in half.

I used to think I could do it.

I don't anymore. People don't change because you want them to. They aren't clay, ready to be molded.

Tobias might as well be steel for all the good my efforts did.

The only one who changed was me.

It's been so long since I walked around smiling, laughing, holding my head up high. So long since I've looked forward to the future. So long since I even dreamt of a future at all, one beyond rain clouds and fights and never-ending gray.

And if I open the door right now, it'll always be that way.

Unless...

Unless this is rock bottom. He has to know, now, that getting anger management and counseling is the only option left.

He hurt me. It isn't just a bruise this time. I think something is broken. My entire body throbs.

I close my eyes tighter and wish that the sound of his voice on the other side of the door wasn't so loud inside my head.

I've survived so far. And I have a choice to make. I have to decide who I love more: me or Tobias.