If My Thoughts Were Heard By You

13th of Feb

Secrets and Lies

      ~The Pains~  

It's 11PM.  

  I am lying in bed, in pain.   

More pain than usual.

  It's coming more often now, I'm more places.  

I'm scared.  

Scared the pain will get worse.

 It's not mental though, I'm grateful for that.

  People are always saying that mental pain is worse than physical, because it never goes away.

  It's in more places now though.  

I don't know how to make it stop.

  I don't want to have another tremor attack.  

It was too hard, too terrifying.

  Shaking uncontrollable, not being able to move except to shake.

  I couldn't make it stop.

  These pains are like and earthquakes after shocks.  

Sometimes in my heart, making me stop and hunch over clutching my chest as if I'm about to die.

  Sometimes in my lungs, as if my ribs have curled under trying to puncture my lungs and suffocate me.

  Sometimes in my lower back, refusing to let me walk or bend over without being in pain.

  Sometimes at the end of my lungs, like needles poking at them unable to let me takes normal amounts of air in.

  The worst is my kidney pains. 

  It comes with no warning, it's as if someone just stabbed my kidneys and was twisting the knife around for a while.

  I never know what to do though.  

No one does.

  I don't know why they're there.

  I've had several blood tests, doctors appointments, hospital checks.  

They never find anything.  

I don't know what to do.    

      It hurts...    

  A lot.      

Someone help me.        

                          ||~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~||  

Everything you read here isn't made up (hence the non fiction category), these are extracts from my life, although the tremors were last month.  

I don't want to be treated differently when people known about my pains.

It's just pain, I've learnt to ignore it.  

Valentines day is tomorrow. 

  Kill me now, I can't wait for natural causes.  

I'm sick.  

God dammit  

Anyway  

Thanks  

~ Britt