Yes indeed YES INDEED! A Naruto fanfic has been chosen for our first critique. Naruto was the first anime we watched so it only seemed appropriate. We'll be scouring Wattpad for gut-wrenching Mary Sues to add to this book of atrocities. So prepare y...
Anyways, let's cut the fangirling and get to chapter one.
Naruto sat quietly, small breaths were drawn every three seconds. The blonde looked at the tiled ground, pondering if anything could get worst. The words that Sasuke said to Naruto are and forever will be engraved in his mind. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to get the image out of his mind. "No one will ever see you as a hero! Your a monster from hell! No one will ever except you!"
First off, if you go to the writer's actual story you'll see that this is all in an uneven chunk of text. Might be visually off-putting. I'd start on a fresh line when dialogue comes into play. Second, grammar. "Worst" should be "worse", "your" should be "you're", and "except" should be "accept". Vocabulary seems solid. I can't quite tell if Sasuke would actually say this to Naruto. I mean I don't think he'd spare Naruto the whole "you're an idiot that won't amount to much" shtick, but I'm not sure about the "monster from hell" part.
Naruto was afraid to believe it, but he knew it was the complete truth. He whispered under his slow breath, "Sorry... I'm sorry everyone." Tsunade walked up to Naruto, telling her in a depressed voice, "I'm sorry Naruto, but the only thing we could do was put him in a coma. I'm afraid he won't be waking anytime soon."
Jesus Christ Naruto the author cut your balls off already. I mean...
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I CAN'T SAY I DISLIKE IT. GOD DAMN. BABY, THEY CALL ME DEIDARA BECAUSE IMMMA BOUT TO EXPLODE ALL OVER THEM-
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Naruto's eyes widened in shock, as a tear hit the tiled floor. "You may go see him..." Tsunade forced herself to say, and it only came out as a croak. Naruto walked into the room, a heart broken Sakura sitting on a seat next to Sasuke's bed. She looked at the blonde, her sadness drained away, only to be replaced by madness.
Alright. Not bad at all so far. I can't tell how Tsunade would act in this situation. I think she'd be pretty serious about it, not showing too much emotion. Probably more exhausted than sad I'd think. I mean sure she's going to feel bad for Sasuke and Naruto, but Naruto is the one that beat the shit out of Sasuke. I don't think she'd offer him much comfort. The last sentence is grammatically incorrect. When you're using a nonrestrictive clause, meaning a clause not necessarily essential to the sentence structure, you want to make sure the first and last segment before the commas can be a sentence on its own. The sentence I just typed is an example of a nonrestrictive clause.
