#Online•jdb

8• Insecurities

Justin
Answer the call!

Justin is calling...

Fuck! Why does he want me to answer? Why can't we just text? I'm scared. I'm nervous. I can't.

With my heartbeat pounding in my ears, I pressed accept. Oh God, no turning back now. I slowly brought the phone to my ear and opened my mouth but no words came out.

"Hello?"

Oh God it really is him.

"H-H-H.." I cleared my throat, "H-Hi," it came out like a shaky whisper. Oh damn, help.

"Charlotte, thank you for finally answering. So I have a shortlist of usernames. Tell me which one is yours, okay?" He paused for me to answer.

Oh my god is this really why he phoned?

"Why couldn't you just text me the usernames?" Why was I still whispering? I need to calm down.

"It's quicker to just call. Okay so the names are: @CharlotteBieber , @CJB32561 , @CharWBiebs , @BieberLovesC , @CharlotteWilliams . Which one is it? Please tell me it's one of them?" His voice sounded so good right in my ear. Shut up, Charlotte! Concentrate!

Wait...

Did he really actually find it?!?

"Yeah... I can't believe you a-actually found it," I stuttered, awkwardly.

"I had some free time on the flight. So which one is it?" He asked. His voice sounded raspy and groggy like he hadn't slept yet but desperately needed to.

I was picturing a tired, drained Justin lying in bed, engulfed by hotel blankets and his head sinking into the soft feather-filled pillows.

"It's the Uhm... @CharWBiebs one.." I felt self conscious. If he found it, it means he can see my photos, which means he can see me. And even though it's a dream to meet him, at the same time I don't want to because I know he'd be disappointed in how ordinarily bland I look. I'm nothing special. Nothing compared to him and what he prefers.

"Okay awesome. I would follow you but you know how outta proportion beliebers and the media get about everything I do on social media," he explained, his last few words were partially swallowed by a yawn. Shame, he must be so exhausted. I don't want to keep him up.

"Yeah. You should get some sleep, Justin," I wanted to hang up.

All I could think about was Justin scrolling though my photos and cringing or laughing. The more I thought about it the more I felt my eyes sting with tears. I didn't want to talk to him right now. I just wanted to curl up and cry. I just wanted to push my insecurities into a deep pit and ignore them for a while. But it doesn't work like that. Insecurities are always there. Sometimes they're a dull murmur in the back of your mind, other times they're forceful and push their way to the forefront of you mind, blasting loudly. The latter was happening right now.

"Oh. Uhm, yeah. Challenge completed, though," he sounded deflated and disappointed.

I didn't want to upset him or make him feel bad because this is all on me. These feelings and this hurt is all put on me by myself. I project my insecurities onto situations like these and I can't help it.