Exhale

Chapter 9 - And Again, I Beg the Question

"And what's that?"

"...Spaghetti?" Her eyes darted away. "I think it's your favorite, anyway. That's what Phillie told me."

"And you trust him?"

Her eyebrows furrowed and she looked back at me. "Am I not supposed to?"

"Well, what do you think?"

She paused and looked at the ceiling. After a short moment, she looked back and said, "No, not really."

I held back a snicker. "Why's that?"

"'Well, Mae told me that I shouldn't ever, and I trust her. She's really nice and seems to know a ton, so I think I should trust her and say 'no'." But then she closed her eyes and with a pained expression, clutched her head. "But then again, Phillie's also really nice and seems to know a ton. Really, Allie, I don't know what to think. Who do I trust? Who do I not? There''s so much that I know but don't know!"

She looked at me. I looked at her. She blinked, so I blinked. We did that for a few seconds, until I finally asked, "What?"

"What do you mean 'what'?" she asked, giggling. "I asked you a question first!"

I blinked. "Oh."

"Well?"

"'Well', what?"

She pressed her hands on my chest and asked, "Who's right and who's wrong?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"'Cause you know them best of course," she laughed, "why wouldn't I ask you?"

"Well, aren't I biased?"

She cocked her head. "'Biased'?"

"I've known one of them longer than the other."

"Phillie?"

"No, Esmae."

"Oh." She looked up for a split second and then looked back at me. "Does that really matter? I just want to know who you like more."

A single eyebrow rose. "I've known Esmae longer."

She pouted. "You know, just 'cause you've known someone longer doesn't mean you like them more. I don't like my sister more than I like you, Al. She was really mean and cruel and bullied me a lot. She would always take the cookies that Mommy made for me. I would look away and then...boom! No more cookies for me. And then, when I told Mommy, she would always say, 'Fauna is a sauna! She's a big fat crybaby!' And I usually don't care that much about those kind of things, but...I don't cry that much! And also, I'm a big girl... I'm not a baby. At least, not anymore, you know?"

Her eyes widened. Glancing at me, she noticed that I had noticed and stuffed her face into my chest. Murmuring, she continued:

"But it's not like that matters anymore, anyway. Sissy— Hanna won't say anything anymore. She won't say a fake 'sorry' for stealing my cookies and other stuff...but she won't hug me or sing to me, either. She won't sing some of those silly stupid songs she would always sing when Daddy or Mommy had to go do 'grown up stuff' somewhere else. I won't get to hear her voice. In any way. She's just... quiet forever, right? That's what Mae said."

Sniffles.

"You know, on that day, she told me that she, too, had to go do 'grown-up stuff' with Mommy and Daddy. She told me that I needed ti 'stay put'. But I didn't! I didn't stay put. They said that I was becoming big like Hanna, so why couldn't I go, too? I wanted to do grownup things, too. I wanted to help people, too. I wanted to act like a big girl, too. All I wanted was for them to see that I was able to do 'grown up things' like Hanna. She's only five years older than me, so what's the big deal? I thought, 'Why is Hanna going with Mommy and Daddy? Why can't I go? I'm already six—I'm a big girl now!' So... I didn't do what she said. I left the house to go after them. I thought that since only a few minutes had gone away, they would be really close by, like around the hallway or something. So I did it. I just left. I-I didn't know... I didn't think..."