Broken

Life

"You know when you've hit that point where you're kind of just mentally exhausted. When someone asks if you need help you. You break down instead because you know that the help they're talking about isn't the same as yours. When you sit in a quiet class. And your thoughts drown you from reality. But you keep it in or else it gets worse. You pretend. And you keep pretending. And you can feel it's slowly changing you as a person. You can feel the anger inside and it makes you sick. You want to do something about it but you can't. So you lay in your bed. Put music on. And fight back. However the only way to fighting back is in your dreams. I mean day dreaming works too but for some reason sleeping does something. And you wake up. Sweaty. Panicked. Wanting it all to be over. You want to give up. But you know if you do. The amount of hearts you would've destroyed. The amount of people you've emotionally destroyed. It's not like what you thought. Because if you were to ever give up. You may be leaving the world but the people around you.. they'll be living in misery. And that's hard. You don't mean to do something selfish you were just tired. You didn't want to keep fighting. But you have to. You. Have. To. For your best friend. For your close friends. For that one boy who is special in your heart. For your family. For everyone. Because if you die; you'll be viewed as the 'selfish' one. And no one likes the selfish one...Welcome to my life." I stated. I took a deep breath before I could even begin to cry. I never liked crying. Especially in front of people. I put my paper down, stared at everyone in the class, handed in my assignment and went straight for the bathroom.

My name is Alycia Waynes. I'm seventeen years old. I'm a senior in high school. I'm also schizophrenic. And for those who don't know what that is; I basically hear and see things almost 24/7. Everyone knows me to being the nice normal girl. The one who passes her classes with the best grade. The one who will always put people before herself. The one who has her life together.

I'm also known as the girl who ditches her classes. The one who keeps to herself. A weird kid. The one who talks to herself in the bathroom stall. I was known as to some other people. The mental case. Freak. Weirdo. Think of a name that's what I've been called. I've been called them all.

Before anyone starts to question. Yes I do have friends. Supporting ones too. 7 of them know what's wrong with me. The others just think I'm crazy in a comedic sense.

And don't bother wondering if I've received help before. Trust me I have. I prefer to just keep it on the down low though. It's for me to feel normal and not a crazy basket case who should most likely belong in a mental institution.

In some cases I can hide how I react with the voices I hear. That's easy. However once it comes down to seeing things I know aren't there. That's the more tricky part.

At night it's worse. That's when they come out to play. I'm always greeted with "Morning love, it's time to play." But in a more hushed, and sweet tone. And right after, it goes straight to hell. Sometimes I wish I could just use the "happy pills" but they never work. I'm just downing myself with toxins which isn't so bad. Hey if the people in my life didn't want me to die so badly I would down those and if I die then I can say it was from the medication.

You're never going to be good enough. Oh fuck off voices I'm in the process of trying to hide all of you so if you could please leave me alone. Never. Classy. I looked in the mirror and fixed myself up before leaving the bathroom and walking back to class.

I never understood why this is happening to me, I mean what have I done? Is god even real? I go to church and the pastor says "God is good all the time. All the time God is good." but is he really that good? Don't get me wrong he can be good some of the time but not all of the time. Or at least most of the time because usually when I pray nothing ever happens. Oh but when there's an exorcism waiting to happen he's all MAY THE POWER OF MY HOLY HANDS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE DEMON INSIDE YOU. BE GONE. I don't believe any of it. I mean I'm pretty sure I have a demon in me because most of the time I'm not me. Only reason I know that is because I don't remember what the fuck happened within that time frame. Also because I feel weird before it happens. I get this excruciating pain in my stomach, following a massive headache and BOOM. I'm gone and a new person or thing is there destroying my life.

But what can I do? Absolutely nothing. Which is why I lead to this option: Dying. I mean I don't want people around me to feel like crap but then again I don't want people to call me selfish. It's a real struggle. And I mean a real struggle. Some people don't know how this makes me feel. I mean, isn't it selfish that they don't want me to do something selfish just because they want me to live but I'm also living in misery. I mean isn't that pretty selfish? I think so. And then you see the teachers and counsellors and my dad saying "You can get over it." I mean excuse me if I'm being too sensitive. But if you were being mentally haunted by voices in your head wouldn't you want to kill yourself too? Along with the fact THEY DON'T GO AWAY.

But I have to keep it on the inside. And keep suffering. And if I don't. They all come out to play. And when I mean all. I mean all of them.

I hate everything.