Days Without You (No.6 Nezumi X Shion Fanfic)

Changing

"I'm sorry, but it is..." I hear what sounds like Inukashi's voice. She brings her hands up to my white hair and start running her fingers through my hair, a vain effort in trying to calm me down. 

That answer itself was enough to send me into a crying ball of mess. I stay on the floor screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs. 

I hear some shuffling beside me and other whispered voices off in the distance, but ignore them. I keep crying and crying and crying into Inukashi's arms until I've cried myself to sleep like that. 

This life is unfair.

Why must my mother die...?

The doctors had said that she was totally fine! They said that she would wake up soon! They had said that she was in no life threatening condition! 

Why hadn't Inukashi come get me? Why had she just stayed here at the hospital when my mother was going to die? Why didn't she come get me to at least let me see her for one last time while she was still alive? 

I want to see my mother again. 

I miss her already. 

I miss the smell of bakeries inside the house. I miss the warmth the house gives off every time she bakes. I miss the presence of her in the kitchen, plates clanging against plates, forks clanging against forks. The rhythmic sound of her mixing cake batter. The melodic voice that would call me downstairs to try her new recipe... The motherly tone she'd use to scold me for doing something wrong, those tears that had welcomed me home that year. That sweet smile she would always have on, even if the situation isn't in her favour, or when things are hard. The warmth of her hugs and words.

There's no way I can get those things back anymore.

Some things are just irreplaceable. Some things can't be undone. 

Why...? Why must it have been her? 

-----

I sleep a dreamless sleep, but my mind feels very wide awake in the sleep. 

My mind wanders through memories, well, fragments of memories. The happy times, the sad times, the desperate times, the joyful times, and the dreadful times. My mind explores these memories arbitrarily; happy one moment and depressing the next. 

The times I've had with Inukashi, washing her dogs until it was spot clean, only until she had scolded me for taking too long for each of them. The time Nezumi was shot right through the chest, but was still able to move around freely in those wounds of his. The times I've spent with Nezumi in his room, simply being there, doing nothing. The times I've watched my mother bake her pastries. The times my mother always kissed me goodbye before leaving the house. The time when I had arrived home with Nezumi, surprising my mother; the joy that filled her face was so genuine. 

Then my mind moves onto the future.

The times I will miss my mother like I've missed nobody else and cry myself to sleep every night until I would become numb to pain. The times Nezumi will yell and lecture me for being so thoughtless about ending my life if I got the chance. The times Nezumi would pull me into his embrace and telling me that everything would be okay. The times Inukashi will be by my side with Rikiga, giving me gentle smiles that would cheer up anyone's day. The times I will fall into darkness over and over only to be forcibly pulled back up to the surface by Nezumi's words and warmth.

The thoughts are driving me insane. 

I want to disappear from this world, leave all my responsibilities behind and join my mother. But I also want to live for the days my mother couldn't live. I want to stay by Nezumi's side, supporting him in every single moment I can. But the desperate thought of drowning into the darkness is so tempting.