Darling You'll be Okay

Everything's Not Alright

****TRIGGER WARNING****

*almost two and a half months later*

Sam's POV:

The boys are back from tour tomorrow. They're all away. Pierce The Veil and All Time Low are on separate tours but they both come back tomorrow. Alex and Jack went a month before Pierce did. They went to Europe and then came back for the States. Austin's been gone for two months. He won't come back for another three so it's just me alone at home. I Skype or call them every day so it's not so bad but there's still a part of me that aches each time they go away. In a way it's nice to be home alone because I get my 'me' time but that always ends up in something destructive sooner or later. It's always louder when it's quiet.
After I visited them on tour I came back home and went back to school. Did my stupid speech and the bullying has gotten drastically worse. I get nasty, hate-filled notes taped to my locker usually consisting of "worthless," "kill yourself," "unloved," "waste of space." I haven't told the guys about them. They'd freak out. Instead, I just sigh, grabbing them all and shoving them in the bottom of my schoolbag. Anna comes over most days which is nice but even she can't stop the yelling and screaming in my mind. It's always louder when it's quiet.
I feel full. Of all the hate, all the resentment. Constantly picked on and hurt. Each word, each blow is like a knife stabbing my heart and it's gotten to the point where I just accept it. It's become the norm.
I open up twitter for the first time in days and instantly regret it. People I don't even know telling me that I'm worthless. It sends something inside me over the edge and I snap, hot tears streaming down my face as I run to the bathroom, not even bothering to shut the door as I stumble with the shaving razor blade, accidentally nicking myself in the process. It finally clatters to the ground and my clumsy fingers close around it, drawing it across my skin again and again. Thighs, wrists, anywhere I can reach. I am desperate to feel pain.

To leave.

Hot tears blind my eyes in the darkness and I only just make out the dim light coming from the hallway. So loud. So loud. It's always louder when it's quiet.
I drop the blade and desperately cover my ears to try and drown the voices.
Leave. Leave. Leave.

My hands are soaked with blood.

I start to scream, my fingernails digging into my head as I press my hands harder over my ears, trying harder to stop the voices. It's no use and so I settle for screaming at them.
"GO AWAY!" I scream in vain but they mock me, taunt me. Tears blur my vision as I curl into a ball on the cold ground. My head spins. The cool tile soothes my bloodied, mutilated thighs.

Blinding white light.

Frantic arms are being wrapped around me as my hearing muffles with anxiety. My head is on Vic's lap and somewhere in the distance I hear cupboard doors slamming and Jaime's familiar voice telling me that it's going to sting. A second later searing pain floods my entire body. My thigh is on fire. I scream loudly into Vic's chest, my hands trying to stop Jaime who is pouring antiseptic on my cuts. Strong hands grip my wrists gently, restraining me and I scream out as they burn. Hot tears blind my eyes as a pair of hands wrap around my ankles, holding me down. Vic's chest muffles my screaming as Jaime cleans all my wounds with antiseptic, each wipe causing me to scream with pain. I sob into Vic as he wraps his arms around the top part of my body, pressing me into him as I scream and cry. I finally feel Jaime wrap the last bandage around me and my whole body relaxes into Vic. I sob into his chest. I only want him.
"I-I'm s-so s-s-sorry," I choke out and I feel his grip tighten on me.
"Shhh darling it's okay, you're okay, I'm here, everything is okay. Everything is okay," he whispers into my ear and a warmth floods me. My breath starts to heave with my sobs and my tank top is drenched with sweat, my fringe sticking to my damp forehead as I start to calm down, my cries getting slower and slower. Vic is rocking me gently. I open my eyes and notice that Tony is crouching next to us, his hands covered with blood. My blood. Jaime and Mike sit by my ankles, bloody towels at their sides. Jack and Alex are at the doorframe. All watching us. Watching me. The floor is covered with blood. I look up at Vic. My eyes meet his and everything vanishes. His brown eyes looking at me with so much care and pain. Tears filling up in his eyes. It breaks my heart yet calms me down at the same time.
"Oh darling," he breathes sadly, his fingers lightly brushing away the fresh tears that are streaming down my cheeks. I pull away from him, sitting up on the tile and looking at everyone.
"I'm so sorry," I whisper, breaking down into new sobs which rack my body. I pull my knees up to my chest and hug them, sobbing into them. This time it's Tony who hugs me. His strong arms pressing me to his chest as I watch everyone else through a haze of tears. Vic is crying and that makes me cry more. Tony's heartbeat soothes but it's his whispering in my ear that does the trick.
"Shhh. Shhh. He's only crying because he loves you so incredibly much Sam. Don't ever forget it. I love you. I love you. I love you," he whispers into my ear so that only I can hear it. The warmth from earlier returns and it floods my body. Suddenly, Vic and Jaime's arms are being wrapped around me. Then Mike's, then Alex and Jack's. There is so much love radiating from that hug that it overwhelms me.
Eventually they all pull away and I thank them all before turning back to Vic. His face is stained with tears and his hair is a mess but that doesn't stop me from crawling over to him and sitting on his lap. He cradles me, bridal style and one hand is around my waist whilst another gently runs up and down my thigh, over the bandage. Neither of us says anything as both of us calm down completely. He still rocks me slightly.
"Why are you guys home so early?" I whisper, not wanting to break the silence. Vic just sits there silent, still looking and rubbing my thigh.
"Jaime had a funny feeling we should come home early," Tony replies softly.
"Turns out he was right."
I nod. Vic is still silent and it's worrying me. Alex is on the phone to Austin and Jack and Mike have gone out to the kitchen with him. Jaime and Tony start cleaning up the floor. When they finish, they make their way out of the bathroom, closing the door so that Vic and I can have some privacy.