White Walls [DIVERGENT]

19. Misery

"Everybody falls when they're in love. There's no one at all who can get enough. I got everything I'll ever need, I'll never break any piece of your heart."
Tris:

How come I never noticed how dirty the ceiling fan is?

I mean, I've noticed a lot of things about my room the past few days, considering that I haven't left it.

The bed creaks as I shift, wrapping the large duvet tighter around my body. Not only has this been an absolutely shit week for me, but now I have to suffer undergoing my period, having the luxury of sleeping in white comforters.

My head pounds, an array of pillows surrounding my bed. For the past three days, I haven't left this room other than for school. I've been waking up ten minutes before school starts, and I'm the last person in class but the first out.

It's like there's an empty, hollow section in my body that feels like it's been bruised.

Right now, I wish that I had a girlfriend who would be a cliché remedy for a breakup—watching The Notebook, and binge eating Ben & Jerry's.

My parents have been concerned with my strange behaviour, my dad consistently demanding to know if something happened at school regarding me getting beat up. My mother though, she knew that it was about the boy.

"Beatrice, you have two different types of crying," she scolded yesterday night, while bringing me warm soup.

"The first is if you're hurt by someone, which usually results in you not being hygenic. The second, if about a boy, you lay in bed crying. Right now you're doing a combination of both."

And then, I told her. I told my mother about Tobias, and how we were dating, and about the fight I had with Caleb—she was not happy about that one—and how I wanted us to last.

I feel empty without him, like just an floating piece of matter in this galaxy. It's like I can't breathe until I'm with him, as if he's my number one priority over anything and anyone.

My eyes are burning, and quite red from the amount of tears that have been free flowing down my cheeks. It feels like my entire body is slowly crumbling to pieces, and there isn't enough oil in the world to fix me.

Why do I feel so sad about this?

I broke up with him. Tobias knows that I still love him—or at least I hope he does. How I feel like there's an invisible wire that connects me to him, allowing us to find each other in pure darkness.

The only reason for calling the relationship off was because I'm insecure about myself, that I need to love myself before I can let him love me.

And that starts with me venturing out of my comfort zone, exploring the world and digging deep into finding myself. Because until I know who I am, I won't allow myself to reach out to Tobias.

It's hard, passing him the hallway and not feeling the tears glazing behind my frequently tired eyes. It's only been three days since we split up, since we made out in the backseat of his car, my hormones raging so wildly I knew I wouldn't be able to control them.

Yet, I feel like is been a year since I've seen him. That's what happens when you're attached to a person. You get so used to seeing them every single day, that when you go a few days without their presence, it feels like there's a ghostly essence haunting you at night.