she's my winona; brendon urie au

five

Hell or glory;
I don't want anything in between.
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I really feel bad for the nurses at that point.  Not only had I just burst into loud sobs, but at my point of realization, that Marley is technically mine, I was over and done with.  I was doubled over, flooding the building.  Marley was laying back in his crib-bed thing, probably in such a state of confusion and shock to even realize that it's all coming crashing down.  I set aside the whole 'godmother' thing for a minute-for the benefit of all of us.

I took a deep breath and left the room, disregarding the comments the nurses and doctors made out of their politeness.  Once I'm out of the room, I rush to the bathroom, lock myself in a stall and call my mom for help; something I haven't done in four years.  Due to this, she answers on the second ring.

"Yes, Ca-"

"Mom, oh my god!" I shout again, completely forgetting I was trying to calm myself down.

I think I just realized I hit rock bottom.  I think it fucking blows.  And obviously, I don't think I'm taking it too well.

"What hap-"

"I'm the godmother!" I shout, again.

"The godmother? Carly-oh my god.  It's Marley!"

Okay, it took it way too fucking long to figure out what I was referring to.  Knowing her, she's probably wasted and watching Teen Mom, thinking 'Now, why can't Carly be like these girls?  Making so much money for their moms, having boyfriends, having their own show...'

The thing is, she almost seems happy.  Like sure, be happy your nephew is alive.  Be happy the godmother is sane.  But the godmother is also unprepared to every extent.  I'm twenty two, in a barely stable job, living in an apartment with a roommate.  I like to party and I like to go out.  I don't even have a boyfriend yet.  How am I going to find a boyfriend who at 22, wants a child?  It's not that I don't love Marley-because I do.  Honestly, I really, truly do.  But I am not ready for this life.  I'm too young.  Too immature. And it's not that I need a boyfriend, either.  I just want one at some point, and the factor of a child at my age completely destroys that option for me.

It kind of makes me sad.  Chloe and Cam figured that me being the godmother would never come into use.  You know, because normally you don't die that young.  And they were young, they were so young.  They didn't think it would be like this. No one did.

That point of view brought me to a new perspective.  I'm not ready to have a kid?  Fuck, they weren't ready to die.  It was then that I realized I was being selfish.  They didn't want this to happen any more than I did, and they wouldn't want me to have to take him in at such a young age any more than I did.

And if I wasn't the godmother, who would be?  All Chloe's friends are in their forties, which isn't an ideal age to be when taking care of a one year old.  Cam's are frat boys who dragged on that reputation far after college.  The little family we share that aren't druggies are older, so who else?

When you put everything together, it's clear that this was the most logical decision for them to make.  You also realize that I need to be way more understanding, considering this wouldn't have worked out no matter which way you spin it.  Although, this way it works out best.