Dear, Diary {A collection of daily feelings, opinions, and rants}

February 16th, 2017 {11:50 pm}

Dear Diary,

I haven't done a long entry in a looooong time, so I think I'll do it today.

First, today was boring as diddly shit. No schoolwork, and I almost fell asleep like 5 times (thanks history).

But now onto life shit.

When I started this journal I was hoping it would be a good outlet for my emotions, and I wouldn't have to respond to anybody and whatever the fuck they thought about me.

I didn't take into account my little "laziness problem" and my fear of exposure. I really wanted to make this, so that hopefully if I got all my emotions out here, I'd feel better in my daily life.

So, I'll update my life status periodically in this Diary, maybe once a month. (Which is right now for February)

I'm still sad. I don't know why. Life isn't that bad, in fact I love my family and my friends. But, it's like I'm stuck under a raincloud without an umbrella. The point I was lowest was December I'd say. I really hated myself, the environment around me (school) and I was limited in ways to express my feelings that wouldn't ultimately cause damage to myself. It was horrible. I felt horrible. But, I agreed with myself that I'd try harder in 2017 to uh "do better."

But the issue with that is I know that I'm privileged and my feelings don't feel validated.

I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, an education, material possessions, and I'm accepted for who I am (by some).

SO WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS FUCKING SAD?!

It's not like I'm clinically diagnosed with depression disorder, because I haven't fucking been to a doctor and I don't want to awkwardly face my parents saying that I hate life. Like, actually hate life.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I tried things to cope.

Learning musical instruments,
Vocal lessons,
And songwriting only works in the moment, along with that other unhealthy way to cope with shit.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want to be content, but I still feel the same even after a year of feeling like this, so maybe it'll take awhile.

'Tis all,
Lauren🖤🏳️‍🌈