What Silence Holds

The Crash

Jai had been doing well, he really had. So it's natural that when he finally crashed, it was a surprise to everyone.

Jai had eaten dinner the night before, laughing along with the rest of the boys. He, however, did decide to go to bed sooner than anyone else in the house. Luke had checked up on him in the middle of the night, but he was perfectly okay. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Until there was...

Jai didn't wake up until 1:00 the next afternoon despite going to bed early, and when he did come down the stairs to start his day he was slouching more than usual. He walked into the kitchen where everyone else was eating lunch and just took a seat. He didn't grab any food for himself or anything. He just sat down next to Luke. Luke thought it was a little odd, but no one else seemed to notice. Then, Jai started to shake his leg and nervously play with his necklace. This was what caught Beau's attention.

"You okay there, Jai?" Beau asked gently, careful not to upset Jai. Jai sighed. No one has treated him the same way since he tried to end his life. They treated him like he was gong to break at any moment. They also acted like he was just going to try again at any moment. All of his depression meds were locked up tightly somewhere in Luke's room, and Luke had also started checking his room regularly for sharp objects.

All in all, he was suffocating.

"Peachy." Jai replied sarcastically. He knew that no one would actually believe him anyway, so why should he have to give an actual answer?

"Do You want anything to eat?" Beau tried again. Food? He wasn't hungry. He ate enough, so skipping one meal wasn't a big concern to him. His brother's obviously thought otherwise.

"I'm not hungry. Can't I just sit here next to Luke?" Jai pleaded. He was aware of how clingy he was getting to Luke lately, but he couldn't care enough to stop it. Sure, he was using his twin brother as an emotional crutch, but that was how he chose to cope.

"You need to eat something, Jai." Luke piped up. This was seriously starting to annoy Jai.

"I don't have an eating disorder!" Jai exclaimed, "I feel sick and the thought of food makes it worse. Just because I'm severely depressed doesn't mean I starve myself!"

"It's one of the side effects, though." Luke whispered since Beau obviously didn't know what to say.

"Possible side effects!" Jai corrected angrily. "God! You guys are so annoying."

"Jai! We didn't mean to offend you!" Beau hurriedly apologized. That was what finally caused him to crack.

"Maybe I want you to offend me for once!" He shouted.

"What? What do you mean?" Luke questioned hesitantly.

"You treat me as though I'm fragile and I'm going to break at any second. Why can't you just treat me like before? I'm still Jai. Don't shut me out like that." Jai whispered the last part before running back up to his room.

Jai threw himself on his bed and let his tears flow freely. Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to live?

At that last thought he sat up. Susan told him that he shouldn't think about thoughts like that, but it was just too tempting. Usually when he thought of stuff like that, he would go find Luke. Considering he had just yelled at him, Jai didn't think his twin brother would be thrilled at the idea of talking to him at the moment. More tears fell as he stood up and started snapping his fingers in an attempt to not think, but it only frustrated him. He ended up spending the rest of the day trying to calm himself down but nothing was working.

His anger got the best of him and he picked up his bedside lamp and threw it at the wall across from him. The lamp made a loud noise as it broke into pieces in front of him. Why? Why did-?

"Jai, are you okay!?" Luke demanded to know as he burst into his room. "I heard a crash and I just thought..." Luke didn't finish his sentence in fear of Jai blowing up at him again.

"M'fine." Jai said quickly before brushing the tears off of his face and looking over to his mangled lamp. "I just...I don't know."

"It's fine if you're not, Jai." Luke spoke up, "You can always tell me anything, just remember that."

"I just..." Jai debated on whether to tell Luke or not. "I don't know if I should tell you this particular thing."

"Just tell me. Whatever it is I can take it." Luke promised already knowing he would've like whatever left Jai's mouth.

"I was having bad thoughts again...about whether or not everyone would be better off without me. If you guys would be happier without me." Jai held his breath waiting for Luke to react.

"Jai..." Luke sighed, "You can always tell me things like this. I need you in my life, and if you think otherwise then you know nothing! I love you more than life itself, and I just wish you could love yourself too."

"Thanks Lukey." Jai whispered.

"No problem. Do you need me to stay with you tonight?" Luke asked before glancing away nervously. Jai realized that Luke wanted him to say yes. It always freaked Luke out when he said things like that, but Luke was the one who basically witnessed his suicide attempt. If it was what helped Luke sleep at night, then Jai was willing to have Luke stay with him.

"Of course. Come on." Jai smiled slightly directing Luke to his bed so they could cuddle. He hated the fact that his problems hurt Luke that much, but he didn't know what else to do.