My Soul to Reap (Archived)

Beyond Bedlam

The pressure left all too suddenly, and I shivered. It was obvious I was still breathing, I could feel my breath coming steadily. But internally I was panicking, trying to figure out why my heart beat wouldn't increase like it should. It was a disturbing forced calmness, which wasn't helped by someone now whispering in my ear in a language I didn't understand. I wanted to scream, to run, to at least open my eyes and assure myself that there wasn't anyone there. But I couldn't. I could only sit still, head on my hands, trying to think about anything other than the horrors around me. It felt like I'd been dropped into the pits of hell, and the tortured screams I was hearing were coming from the damned souls. It was increasing at a worrying pace, the space around me no longer seeming like Kayin's house at all. There was heat and ice everywhere, people and things brushing against me and the smell of blood and sulphur and oh god oh god I couldn't do this I was going to die there's too much it's everywhere oh god--

And then it let up. For a single, blissful second I was back in Kayin's house, with wood under me and the pleasantly sharp smell of herbs. And then I was plunged back into the hallucinations, every sense assaulted with sheer wrongness and once, a single, sharp laugh. Hissing and screams filled my ears, the sounds of pain and demonic satisfaction. I wanted to black out but I was already unconscious, and there wasn't going to be a reprieve from this. It was a truth I knew somewhere deeper than what I could access. So I screamed, I screamed inside my head and I fought with every scrap of strength I had until I couldn't be bothered to try anymore, and just collapsed shaking into my own mind. I had no way of keeping track of time, but I knew it had been far too long for me to handle. I retreated as far into myself as I could, but there was no way to escape. Reason was gone and I was in hell, and nothing was going to help me.

"Cammie!" My name was distorted through a monster's tongue, the letters harsh and guttural and I flinched.

"Oh my god, what's going on?" The voice was skipping octaves, going too high and hurting my ears. It came from a point above me and I had the crazy thought that I must be in hell because it only makes sense that that's an angel. It was too high and almost kind to be anything else. The meaning of the words were lost on me.

"What did you do?" It was like a bad connection, filled with static and breaking off a few times, skipping backwards on itself. Nothing had changed around me, but it gave me something to focus on. A single point to try and keep myself sane. It didn't work, because there was something hot trailing across my cheek and it felt like my eyes were leaking blood.

"This wasn't me. Just hold on, keep her still." The pressure on my arms increased and I started screaming again, no sound coming out of my body but I didn't care because I was too scared of what they were going to do. I was in hell, there were no other explanation. This was hell and whatever I was going through was about to get worse. This was the punishment of sinners, the thing that was making every other poor soul scream.

Finally, finally, I could open my eyes. I was shaking, and as soon as I realized I had motor controls again I screamed. I screamed and thrashed, blind panic overtaking everything. My eyes were squeezed shut and I just kept on screaming, managing to scream myself hoarse in the span of a few minutes. Something traced gently along my back and I scrambled upwards, knocking things over and making it to the safety of a corner, curling in on myself. I'd stopped screaming, my voice dying down to a low whisper of pleading. I rocked back and forth, breath coming in short rasps. Panic, it was the best word. Fear and blind panic, wanting nothing more than to disappear and not feel.

Slowly, slowly, I opened my eyes. I was in Kayin's house, and it was silent. My ears rung sharply, and it took me a few seconds to realize it was from my own screaming. There was no sound except my own ragged breathing, and I registered that I was shaking. When I looked up I saw Rina, Brie and Kayin, looks of concern mirrored on their faces.

"I-" my voice broke, and I could feel my eyes stinging. Rina immediately made her way over to me but I flinched back, and she stopped. I didn't know what to say, because my body was still telling me that I needed to run and get away before it happened again. My entire body was tensed up, every muscle ready to run and fight for my life. It would be painful after a while, but I couldn't make myself relax or apologize.

Rina was hovering awkwardly, and I couldn't even look at her. I could still hear the hissing and screaming, echoes of what must have only been a few minutes but felt like an eternity. Brie shoved past her and my body backed up, but she didn't halt. She plopped right down beside me. Not touching me, not murmuring soothing words in my ears. Just sitting there, in solidarity. And I was grateful. I knew there was no way the words were going to come out but I hoped she knew, because right now she was doing the best possible thing for me. I think she might have shooed Rina away, since when I next looked up we were alone. It had been a long time, that was for sure. She might have been drinking Kayin's mixture, but I wasn't sure.

"Kayin has a car for us," she said, and there was something different about her voice. It was smooth, consistent, the exact opposite of the erratic sounds from the hallucination. It was comforting, and I nodded.

"We in a rush?" I managed, and was exceedingly proud of myself. Brie shook her head.

"We've got all the time in the world." The light had changed outside, and I was exhausted. My body had released the tension, and I needed to rest. I was slumped onto Brie, and she apparently understood. "He has a bunch of extra rooms, let's get you into bed," she said gently, and I seized up again.

"I can't," I choked out, since apparently monosyllables was going to be a consistent. "I won't wake up." Brie looked at me and there wasn't pity there, not like I expected. There was something else.

"You will," she insisted. "And if you don't, I'll be here."

"Nightmares..." I said, my voice sounding small and broken. Like a child. She helped me gently to my feet, and almost carried me through the house. I didn't even see the room she put me in. I could only see the white covers she pulled around me. And the whole time, she'd barely touched me. I was grateful, immensely grateful that she seemed to understand, but when I tried to say anything she just shushed me.

"Sleep now, explain things in the morning," she said, still smoothly and calmly. I sunk into the covers, and there was a moment of the confusion when I felt the bed dip and her settle in beside me. "I'm not going anywhere, okay?" she said, and I nodded. What followed was silence, and I could tell there was no way I was going to sleep. It was too easy to fill the quiet with memories of the sounds I wanted to forget, too easy to imagine I could still hear them.

"Could you tell me a story?" And now I really did sound like a child. It was stupid and I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it, but Brie just scooted a little closer.

"When I was human," she started, and I was shocked she was actually going to. "I grew up by the sea. My family was wealthy enough, pretty close to upper class. It was a small town in France, I hated it most of the time. I wanted to go out, see the world, sail on one of those big ships that always came to port and never come home." It was nice, listening to her, but it got harder and harder to concentrate on what she was saying.

"I never got to. As a little girl I'd tell my mother I was going to be the captain of a huge ship, and that I'd sail the world. And she'd laugh and tell me that that was silly, I was a lady and ladies didn't go sailing. But I didn't care. I would run around in my huge frilly dresses and convince myself I was running across Asia, meeting all the exotic people and seeing the places. My father had a trading company and he'd bring me back wood carvings from Japan sometimes." My eyes drifted close and for a few seconds I forgot about all the pain, and I finally stopped shaking.

I dreamt of Brie, running through sand in a dress that should have stopped her and smiling without a care in the world. But it didn't last long, and the nightmares ate up the image soon enough.