Take Me back to the Start | B. Barnes

37. Days I tried to live

"No, Rebecca, I don't know when the wedding will be, we have lots to do right now... Yes, we're gonna use your bakery for the cake... Jesus, I have no idea about cakes, Becca, just give the phone to ma." Bucky talks to his sister over the phone and waits for Winifred while he glances at me with a bright smile. I smirk back as I wait in the corner for him, giving him time to celebrate with his family.

"I love you." I mouth to him and he quietly returns it with an endearing glance. Just watching how excited he is to tell his family about the news makes my heart flutter. Then he turns back to the telephone, trying to ignore the loud noise from the SSR facility.

"Hey, mom, she said yes! Jeez, ma, don't start crying now." He lets out a little laugh, his nose wrinkled. "Yes, I proposed to her earlier... Yeah, because of a mission, she got knocked out there, that's why... Oh, she's alright now, don't worry... Yeah, I'll send her your regards... Yeah, I can't wait for it either... "

That was exactly nine days ago, two days before he died. Ever since memories have plagued my mind to remind me how happy he used to be. I haven't left my room since Howard locked me up, even though he abolished the confinement days ago. I just see no reason to leave my room, what should I expect outside? Reasons to continue living? Pity? I don't want to see any of it. I'm not sure what I want besides Bucky alive.

I just spend my time with crying, staring at the ceiling or waking up from nightmares. Steve wasn't here either, but I'm almost certain that he doesn't want to see me. Others have visited me so far, a few times Peggy, often Howard and Mr. Jarvis. But everyone left after a while since none of them could earn a proper reaction from me. Maybe I'm just dead as well. Breathing takes now a lot more effort than I thought and I barely move. I do nothing but wasting time with living.

Why am I still alive? It's not a gift, surviving is a punishment. The only reason why I haven't gone completely insane is Steve. I can't leave him alone, even though he may hate me now, Bucky wouldn't want this. And I promised him to be his family, no matter what. Everything else just exhausts me and instead of the silence in my room, I just hear Bucky's scream in my mind and it keeps me mostly awake.

"Miss Farrell?" Jarvis carefully enters my room with a tray full of food. I didn't know that it was already night. "I want to bring you dinner, in case you forgot it. I suggest you eat something, you haven't eaten for days and it's not healthy for your body." I can feel his sympathetic look on me and stay silent as he sighs and notices the untouched tray of food that he brought me for lunch.

"I'm just gonna replace the lunch with it and leave it here, in case you get hungry. By the way, I've done what you asked me for, Mr. Barnes' family has received the news. Call me if you need more. Everyone is very concerned about you, Miss Farrell." With these words, he leaves the room, giving me the space that I need.

I didn't have the guts to call Bucky's family and tell them the news, I just can't face the blame that I would have to take. They would all hate me and I really deserve it but I don't know how much more pain I can handle. It's the first time that I lost someone and that I caused someone's death, but it's not even just a someone. It's Bucky. And the fact that it's the only person who ever loved me makes it even more painful for me. How am I supposed to live with the guilt that feeds on me? How am I supposed to live without him?

I keep sitting on my bed, my back leaning against the wall as my eyes stare either at the ceiling or the dog tag that hasn't left my hand. My thumb rubs against the engraving of his name carefully, feeling every single letter of James Barnes. My hand starts trembling slightly and the tears threaten to come back but I bite on my lower lip, refusing to cry again. My eyes, which are probably red and swollen, burn in pain.