breathe

8 • small cuts

[trigger warning: self harm]

•.•.•.•

Previously:

Dallon

Thinking about all of today's events, I started to doze off, the last thing one my mind was one thing I knew I would never let anyone take away from me, his name is Brendon Urie. 

    •.•.•.•  

Brendon

I squirmed out of Dallon's arms wrapped around my waist to check the time on my phone. 1:00AM, it read. I sighed. Even with Dallon's comforting scent filling my nose, I couldn't stop thinking, or more importantly- sleep.

"You know.. you could always stop the thoughts." The voice, surprisingly wasn't the cause of my mind racing for once.

How was I supposed to do anything if I was at someone else's house? It was too risky. But, I missed the crimson drips, the metallic smell. The faded pinky-orange making it's way down the drain which would be my salty tears mixed with my blood. I missed the way it would distract my thoughts, I missed the way the blade sliced my skin open so easily. I missed the stinging pain that came with it. I needed to experience all over again.

"Get up."

I got up slowly, shrugging off Dallon's hand that had somehow found it's way back to my shoulder. Being careful not to wake Dallon, I walked across the floorboards. I cautiously opened the door, wincing when there was a small creak. Dallon stirred in bed, but didn't wake.

I navigated my way to the bathroom, it was much harder when all the lights were off. I closed the door behind me, as softly as I could. Leaning against the sink, I took a deep breath. I looked through all the drawers before finding a razor. Perfect. I made a mental note to wash this ten times before returning it to its originating spot, since it wasn't mine.

"Don't stop until the sink is painted red."

The sharp metal dragged over my pale skin, splitting it open instantly. I watched the familiar crimson invite itself out, dripping into the sink. The drops became small streams, and soon the entire sink was covered in blood. I hadn't realised I was crying until I stopped for a moment and my vision blurred.

I took a deep breath, draining the colour from the sink. I ran the warm water over my forearm too, loving the intense stinging that followed. I rolled my sleeve down, splashed water on my face and washed the razor ten times. I put it back where I got it, leaving the bathroom and breathing out.

I walked back into Dallon and I's room, closing the door with ease. I got into the warm bed again, dozing off almost instantly.

    •.•.•.•  

The next morning, Dallon woke me up with a gentle kiss. I jumped up and straddled him, giggling. I pecked his lips before sprawling myself across him.

"Are you gonna get up, Bren?"

"No." I mumbled into his chest.

"Do I have to make you?" He chuckled.

I hummed, too tired to make a proper response. He flipped us over in an instant, hovering over me. He tickled my sides with no sympathy, I laughed until I couldn't breathe. I squirmed under him, "O- okay! I- I'll get- get u- up!" I cried out

He smirked, getting off of me. I pouted, it wasn't fair that he got to tickle me. I had nothing against him. His smirked dissolved into a smile, he turned back to face me, "I love you." He pulled me in for a quick kiss. His soft lips against mine gave me a warm feeling inside.

"I love you too, babe." I replied. He immediately flushed a bright red. I had never called him 'babe' before, maybe I should more.

"Or maybe you should just leave."

I ignored the voice,  flashing a wide smile at Dallon, "you like that, huh?"

He nodded, flustered. His rosy red cheeks defined his cheekbones more. He looked away, deep in thought- or so I assumed. He whipped around, picking me up and carrying me out of the room. I squealed, the whole situation took me by surprise. He carried me to the kitchen, where Josh and Tyler stood, smiling shyly at each other. Dallon sat me down carefully and my giggles faded away.

"Seems like you two are having an exquisite morning," Josh smiled when he greeted us.

"Only because I'm with him," Dallon and I said at the same time. I blushed, looking away to try and hide it.

Josh and Tyler exchanged looks before bursting into laughter. I was glad the start of the day was a lighter mood. I knew it wouldn't last for long, but I was grateful. I sighed, why couldn't everyday be like this morning? Life would be so much easier. Dallon raised an eyebrow at me, I shook my head, trying to indicate that I was okay.

"But you aren't. You're messed up."

I mentally scowled at the voice. It always came at the wrong times.

"Brendon? Are you listening? Brendon?" Dallon shook my shoulders.

"Hmm, yeah?" I tried to act casual.

"I asked what you wanted for breakfast," Josh replied, a kind smile on his lips. He was always so patient, I could never understand how.

"I'll eat whatever you have to offer," I smiled back.

"How 'bout death?"

    •.•.•.•  

Dallon and Josh had walked away to prepare breakfast for us. They insisted that we weren't allowed to help. Tyler and I sat in silence for a while. The silence was eerie, I saw Blurryface make a few appearances, but he didn't do too much damage.

"Brendon?" He finally broke the silence.

"Yeah, Tyler?"

"What were you doing in the bathroom last night?" He asked cautiously.

I gulped nervously, tugging at my sleeves. I ran my hands through my hair a few times, "I- I needed to pee." I cursed under my breath for stuttering. He suspiciously eyed me.

"Then why didn't you flush the toilet?"

"I didn't want to wake anyone." I was surprised at how easily I lied.

"I was the first to the bathroom this morning, there would've been urine in the toilet." His voice lowered in volume, but his voice was firm.

"My pee was clear." I mumbled.

"So why didn't it smell like pee, Brendon?"

"I sprayed the toilet with one of those bottles on the floor," I rushed out. "So it wouldn't smell," I added.

"Oh, sorry. Thank you for yesterday though." He smiled.

I returned it. I was surprised at how quickly he bought the lie. Maybe I can lie myself through this.

It doesn't take much to cover up small cuts.

    •.•.•.•

A/N:

I AM SO SORRY

stay alive

song- small cuts by the brobecks

E D I T E D