Red Hair, Black Soul (Red & Black #1)

42 | Mum

I shake my head, the end of my high ponytail tickling my back through the thin material of my shirt. There is no use pretending. I'm changed, and I'm past the lies.

Mum nods, her lips pressing into a firm line. Her hand smooths out a wrinkle in the comforter on my bed, her eyes tracking the movement. Silence falls between us for a moment, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

"Remember Jamie?" Mum asks suddenly, raising her chin. I blink, wondering what he has to do with anything.

I do remember Jamie. We were best friends since the crib. Our mothers met in the maternity ward after we had been born on the same day. Jamie and I grew up together and were inseparable. We played in one sandpit, rode one rocking horse, sat on one swing. One day, I broke his super cool Hot Wheels track and got angry with him when he told his parents after having promised me he wouldn't. I think our Mums were already betting what my engagement ring was going to look like once Jamie proposed to me. They just thought our relationship was the forever kind of a thing.

Then Jamie left when we were six. His dad got a job someplace else and they had to move. I remember crying for few nights in a row once he was gone and my Mum laying beside me, telling me that friends are forever and that the distance doesn't matter. We kept seeing each on and off for the first year, but then the contact somehow snapped. Eleven years later, I haven't heard from or of him once.

"Of course I remember Jamie." I respond. "Why?"

"You know why." Mum sends me a sad smile over her shoulder.

"You mean that Jamie was my first mock boyfriend and Jed was my first real one?" I wanted to make it a joke, but the question comes out sounding bitter.

"I mean that due to one mistake, you lost contact with someone you loved." Mum says.

I go silent. We haven't spoken of Jamie in a long time. It's sad that the history had to repeat itself to force us to bring him up again.

"The last time, it was our fault." Mum says. "As your parents, we didn't try hard enough to make sure you two meet often enough. They moved quite far away and once you went to the music school, it was hard to find any free time between your lessons..." She cuts off. The breath she releases fans the strands of hair framing her face. "Anyway, I know we should have tried harder and sometimes, when I go through the old albums and see the photos of the two of you... I still regret it."

I turn my face away from Mum and blink furiously. The burning in my eyes went into the critical territory and I had promised myself two days back that I wasn't going to shed any more tears.

"Why are you telling me this, Mum?" I ask. Feeling vulnerable, I bring one leg onto the bed and curl my arms around it, searching for warmth and solidity.

Turning so that she's now sitting sideways on the bed, facing me, Mum reaches out towards me. Softly, she pries one of my hands from my leg and folds it in her own. Its warmth instantly seeps through my skin, spreading into my veins and warming up my body. I lift my chin from where it had been resting on my knee and meet Mum's gaze.

"I'm not going to dictate you how you should live your life." Mum starts. "Your decisions are your own, and no one but you can influence them. If you feel like ending things with Jed is the right thing you do, then I'll never ask you to call him."

The right thing to do. My heart squeezes. There isn't a single cell in my body that thinks breaking up with Jed was right. Not for him, at least. I did it to protect my sorry excuse for a heart, not caring what happens to his in the process.

And the worst thing is, even though it hurts, I'm not going to change it. I started the first day of Christmas by deleting Jed's number from my phone.

If only I could delete it from my brain. The fact that I've memorized the ten numbers a long time ago isn't much help.

"But as your mother, who loves you very much, by the way, I can give you a piece of advice." Mum continues. She squeezes my hand on the love part and I smile faintly. "And as someone who has walked this earth for quite longer than you, I can tell you that the best teacher you can have is the history. So if you ever start doubting or questioning your decision, just remember Jamie."

"So Jamie is the metaphor of all the things that could go wrong?" I ask.

"Jamie is the metaphor of the elements of your past that could give you your answer when you most need it." Mum corrects me. "So if you think that Jed is going to become your second Jamie, better think it through. I don't want you to come back to this moment in ten years and regret the way the events had turned out."

A clutter of dishes comes from downstairs, followed by a sound of something hitting the floor. Mum hangs her head and sighs. She stays like this for a moment before she squeezes my hand one last time and lets go. 

"I better go before the whole house explodes in flames." She gives me an apologetic smile. "I left the gas on the stove on."

I nod, dropping my eyes to the bed. Once more empty, my hand feels colder than before. I stretch the sleeves of my shirt so that they now cover my fingers and wrap my arms around my knees once again. 

"Will you get down and eat with us?" Mum asks me.

I'm not hungry and I lack appetite, but a dinner with my family will be better for me than sulking alone in my room, I guess. I nod again. 

Mum nods back and turns to go. Halfway to the door, she pauses, hesitating. Her hand rises in the air and I see her fingers curl inwards, as if wanting to touch something. Before I know it, Mum's back on the bed, wrapping her arms around me. 

"You can always count on me, Ada." She whispers into my hair, clutching me tighter. She runs her hand up and down my back reassuringly while I try to swallow around the huge balloon forming in my throat. "Me, Dad and Everett, we'll always be there for you, no matter what. I want you to know that."

Mum and I haven't hugged in so long. Truth be told, I can't remember the last time we touched since leaving Scotland. Having her arms around me, feeling her warmth and the delicate caress only a mother can provide feels better than I remember. Abandoning all the prejudices I might have had for the past year, I reach out and hug Mum back, squeezing her mercilessly. Closing my eyes, I bury my face in the space where her neck meets her shoulder and inhale her flowery scent. It's a smell that makes me think of home, of freshly-baked cookies and long, winter evenings spent in front of the fireplace. It makes me feel loved and protected, and a million different things I haven't felt in so long. 

It makes me feel safe. 

"I'm sorry, Mum." I whisper, hoping she understands. Because frankly, I don't even know what I'm apologizing for myself, but saying it right now feels just... right. We've gone so long acting like strangers. I grew tired of the coldness. I want to be a family again. 

"I know, honey." Mum rubs my back again running her hand up and down reassuringly. "It'll all be okay. You'll see."

I nod, sniffing. I want it to be okay. I want us to be okay. I want Jed to be okay, and I want me to be okay, and for the life to finally settle. 

I went so long convinced there are only bad things waiting for me out there. And even if right now my life is as far from perfect as possible, there is one thing that has changed. 

Because, for the first time in over a year, I have hope. And when my Mum hugs me and tells me it's be okay, I go with the flow and believe it.