Steadily Breaking

Epilogue

"Babe," Oli called, "Are you coming or do you want me to go visit your parents all by myself?"

"I'm coming," I laughed, pulling my jacket on," I really don't want to go all of that long way."

"You have to though,"Oli said, "It's almost been three years and you haven't missed one yet. Besides, you wouldn't forgive yourself if you did."

I sighed, knowing he was right, "Fine. Let's get going."

/-/

I walked down the path and clutched the flowers tightly to my chest.

It had been three years since Vic left me here with nothing but an aching sadness and a piece of paper.

Hey Kells. I know you probably hate me right now. I hated myself the moment that I thought about doing this, but as you can see, I had to go through with it.

I've thought a lot about suicide and death since Mike and I've come to terms with the fact that I'm steadily breaking.

When Mom was diagnosed, I broke a little.

When Dad started to disappear into his work, I broke a little more.

When you got sick, it got increasingly worse.

I remember chuckling slightly when I read that line.

In his last few moments before death, he was thinking about that time so long ago when I got pneumonia and became fatally ill.

When Mike died, all those broken pieces finally gave up, and I shattered.

I've never really been a romantic, but each thing that happened was another leaf falling off my tree of life.

I know what I promised, and I apologize for not keeping it, but please understand that this was a decision that I made for myself.

Don't ever think that I didn't love you or any other crazy thing that would run through your pretty little head.

I needed to be with my little brother and I hope you understand that it wasn't because of anything you did.

I love you Kellin Quinn, and I love how you loved me even when I was breaking,

It was long and steady, just as our love is and always will be, but I need you to promise me something.

Promise not to let me get in the way of you living.

Promise not to give up on love.

I didn't forget your Christmas gift.

You still have all of my heart.

"And you still have mine," I muttered as I approached his tombstone, "Hi Vic."

The wind blew with no remorse in the cold,  January air.

"The last thing I said to you was that I trust you," I said, tears flowing down my face, stinging with the cold of winter," I do. No matter what you put me through. I come by every year and I say these same things each time. 'I miss you.' 'I love you.' 'I wish you hadn't left me.'"

I placed the flowers on the tombstone and sighed, "I know I told you about Oli last year. That guy that was in a couple of our classes for a few years. We moved to L.A. recently to get away from all of this, but don't worry, I'll still come by to see you and Mike."

I paused, "You know, I've reread your letter time and time again, and it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that you're gone, but I understand now. When you lose someone, it breaks you. When you even believe for a second that you're going to lose someone who is so important to you, you break. I'm sorry that you had to go through that for so long."

I pressed my lips to the top of the cold marble and twisted the ring that I still wore around my finger.

"I found that razor in my pants pocket from that last day," I said, reaching to touch the object around my neck," I had it filed down and engraved."

"I love you."

"I miss you."

"I wish you hadn't left me."

I turned and started walking back to my parent's house.

As I took each step, memories of Vic and I flashed by in my head. Playing as kids, getting hurt on the playgrounds, cuddling on the park benches.

You're not steadily breaking anymore, I thought, wiping the tears from my face, You've been beautifully broken.