No Strings Attached

Chapter 13

She nodded and set down her cup, “How lovely. What about you Danielle? Do you have a boyfriend?”

I let a small sigh escape me now that the attention has averted to her. The corners of her mouth struggled to curl up but she managed. Maybe she’s better at this whole faking thing than I am? I couldn’t help but think of all the times she’s smiled. Were they all faked? I know she had a rough childhood but my mum and dad were always there for her and so was I, except for that one night! Had that night affected her more than me and if so why hasn’t she gotten help?

She cleared her throat enough to make it sound like sticky honey was pouring out of her lips, “No I’m single.”

~

“I don’t know I just feel horrible! I can’t keep tangling myself in these lies!” My voice echoed through Dr. Staub’s small office as my fingers raked my scalp in utter frustration. I moved around and settled down in a spot that made me feel more at ease and my stare became fixated on the pea green on his wall. It had little bumpy indentions that made it seem like small waves if you kept staring for a long time, like the rectangular prism drawing or is it a square?

Dr. Staub was scribbling profoundly on his god damn clipboard and it irked the shit out of me! Isn’t he supposed to be paying attention to me? Not some flimsy old clipboard! I mean that’s why I’m paying him! “Why do you scribble so much? I talk and talk and all you do is scribble and scribble! How do I know you’re not playing some stupid game with yourself?” Curiosity got the better of me and before I could think it through my mouth began to move and my voice spat what I was thinking.

He chuckled to himself as if I were a simple amusement they had assigned him, “Silly child. I take notes of what you’re saying to help me asses you progress better.” His voice was calm and soothing like the ocean after it took an a ravishing storm, “See?” he flipped his clipboard to me and I saw yellow legal pad paper clipped and tainted with pen markings of quotes and scribbles too small for me to read from where I lay. I shrugged and eased back on the long couch and my fingers slowly latched onto the leather upholstery.

We talked some more about things with Niall and Danielle and school and even Louis and how those things made me feel but they were all simple one worded answers which probably frustrated the hell out of him,

Grateful, happy and sad, okay, and confused.

“Okay well this is all for today. I’ll see you next week?” I nodded and made my way towards the door and the second my left hand met the door knob Dr. Staub called out to me, “Jaimie I hope you do what makes you happy because life is too short to be worrying about others before yourself.” Those words cracked something inside me but not in the pretty-vase-that-fell-and-now-can’t-function-properly way but in the dark-room-opened-a-crack-and-now-the-light-is-flooding-in-and-now-everything-seems-so-beautiful kind of way. For the first time since I’ve came here I felt a connection. I felt as if Dr. Staub was talking to me, not as a doctor who gets paid for this, but as a friend sincerely trying to help me. My hand trembled as it fell to my side and I took quick long strides towards Dr. Staub and hugged him tightly. “Thank you.” I whispered so quietly I wasn’t so sure if I said it out loud or if it was all in my head. I felt him rub circles deep into my back and we said nothing more as I went back out into the cold England day.

When I finally reached home no one was there. Danielle probably went out since it is Friday and Niall had left back to tour with the lads the morning before. I hate being alone it lets me sink into my thoughts and feelings two of which I didn’t like to do very often. I strolled into my room and all was neat and the bed had a small green note stuck on my side of the bed. I plucked it out and it read: Gone out! See you soon! PS don’t wait for me ;) – dan xx