Built on Hope (Cassian Andor FF)

32. Haunted

"You wear your heart on your sleeve already, Halron." Talia finally looked at him.

A sad smile graced his lips and matched the intensity of the roaring sea of memories behind his black eyes. "The guilt helps."

A woman spoke up from the edge of the circle. She was older, wrinkles already formed around her eyes and mouth in a hard way. Deep. Tormented. Wrinkles one would only get by making the same face over and over. That's what Talia's mom told her, anyway, all those years ago. "I came in contact with a rogue Sith once during the clone war. She used the force on me to make me shoot and kill my crewmate. The only thing that saved me was the blaster fire from the rest of the crew. I was tossed aside as if I were nothing but a ragdoll. Woke up amongst the bodies." She stared at the ground, and didn't need to convey how horrible she felt about it. The regret and torment showed in her once bright green eyes. "To see all of them dead while I lived...the scene is ingrained into my eyelids, even now. It was enough to stop going out into the field and focus on repairing ships. It's the only way I can live with myself."

Talia didn't hear the condolences the other rebels gave. To be forced to kill one of their own against their will? God, Talia couldn't imagine. The mere thought of it regurgitated long locked away memories of what her ex husband said to her. That he'd make her kill her girlfriend. Then make Zara kill Talia. The things he'd whisper to her, wild threats that she didn't want to remember. She wanted to forget. Go.

Go.

Leave me alone. Talia thought as she shut her eyes tightly. By the time she managed to get the memories to stop flowing back into her mind, Sadako was already talking about her experience.

"I was in deep. I couldn't leave. Couldn't get word to the rebellion. Renard trusted me. Trusted me a little too much. Here I was, posing as a key to opening their business up to new opportunities, and we nearly reigned over these planets. That kind of power gets to your head. Until he started killing people. Started killing the slaves that were useful. I couldn't do anything. Couldn't do anything but play along and be with him in more than one way until he gave up the name of his boss. Got me a meeting. Something. Any concrete evidence of who to target next up the food chain. He found out who I was and started to run."

Sadako clenched her hands into tight fists. She closed her dark eyes, not wanting anyone to see the tears. "A year went by. Renard would leave me 'presents'. Dead bodies of people he'd killed, adorned with a lovely note to me. By the time I finally caught him, he stopped. Stopped running. Stopped trying to get me killed. I can still hear his voice in my head as he said he loved me. Then, he killed himself. Cyanide pill." She opened her eyes. No tears were left. Only raw fire, burning as brightly as the real one in front of them. "My only regret was that I couldn't kill him with my own hands."

Power took control over Sadako's life. Even for the briefest of moments. Talia couldn't imagine that kind of sick power. One obtained from illegal activities and on a high of adrenaline. Wasn't her style. Wasn't where her heart rested. But even then, undercover with no one else to turn to...maybe she would have done the same. The mere thought of it made a chill run a course through her entire body. And the part where the guy had fallen for her? In some sick and twisted way? Yikes. Then again, it probably wasn't any better than Talia's ex-husband after he went crazy.

Another rebel joined in. Reconnaissance, if Talia remembered correctly. He glanced around at the others, not exactly meeting their eyes. "Ever watch a village go hungry? Blocked in without any food or water? The Empire not giving up or giving them any resources?" He swallowed, his blue eyes wide with the memory, almost as if he were seeing it all again. "I did. Watched it happen. Recon mission. Nothing I could do but sit and watch. Only one opening existed, and that happened to be an incredibly small time window. Nothing major to where I could get in, or get supplies through. Nothing."