Begin Again

Chapter VI. Pureness

I was hurting so badly, I didn't even know I could feel this much. Especially such intense feelings. It really is like drowning, I didn't think our last time together would go the way it did, I didn't think spending such simple time with him with unspoken meant words would collapse the remainings of my hollow chest. I guess that's it. I lost it. I'm not even sure what to pinpoint it as.

I want to say I'm sorry to my heart, and I want to say I'm incredibly sorry to my head. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry, my heart, for not keeping you safe like I always promise you each time after a guy crushes you. I'm sorry my mind, for not listening to you when you told me it's a bad idea to get caught up in a guy who's just like my past two affairs. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I reach my car and my hand slips from the handle as I nearly gripped it. I just realised it's raining as I look up at the sky. I wouldn't tell my own self is crying if it weren't for my hot tears contradicting the cool, gentle raindrops. This is a different sort of crying. This is crying when you know that your case is hopeless. This is crying when you know that really this is it this time. This is crying when you realise that you've damaged all your body immensely with such destructive relationships. This is crying when you thought everything was perfect for once, but it's far from that. This is crying for my own pathetic self. This is crying for each time I ignored everybody's warnings on every guy I got caught up with. This crying is because...I just...I just can't anymore. This is too much. I truly cannot take it anymore. This is me crying because I know I won't let go off him completely, ever. I don't want him to. I really don't, but I have to. This is it.

+++

"Taylor?"

I follow the voice to the living room, and find Cara and Martha. "Hey," I offer a small smile. I had stayed in the car longer than necessary, just to get a hold of myself for just a few moments to have everyone around me at least think that I'm not bothered by anything. I'm fine. I am fine. I will be fine.

"You're late, young lady. Where were you?" Cara scolds playfully and gets off the couch while Martha lowers the volume of the TV.

I beam at the playfulness, and lift the plastic bag. "I brought dinner."

And we ate. The three hours after work I was missing were brushed off and we ate dinner and watched several movies, bantering once in a while. I worried that I might break out any moment there out of nowhere, but I was okay. I only ever zoned out when we silently watched the movie playing.

What was he doing? Is he still at the park? Did he go home? Is he at some bar?

These questions kept filling my mind, and then came the most dreaded one.

Did he meet up with that brunette again?

I forced that thought out once it appeared, letting my focus stay on the figures playing around the screen.

It wasn't until I was in the spare room of Martha's little house, in my sleepwear, on the rigid bed that I can tell have never been used. I'd stared at the beautifully painted wall with a sort of design drawn across it, Martha has always had an artistic hand. The things she drew never ceased to amaze me.