Midnight Memories

e l e v e n

This chapter was difficult for me to write

Will be hard for you to read

But it's honest

And that's the best gift I can give to you
___________________________

"So tell me you love me
Only for tonight
Only for one night
Even though you don't love me
Just tell me you love me
I'll give you what I need
I'll give you all of me
Even though you don't love me."

- The Weeknd

I dressed quickly, pulling on some leggings, sneakers, and a hoodie with the tshirt. I didn't want to give myself time to think about what I was doing, give myself time to regret it, which I knew come morning I would. All I had was right now, and I wasn't going to let it slip away from me.

The ride to Louis' was quick, a lot quicker than I thought that it would be. It had grown dark outside, but the moon hung full in the sky, it's brightness not lost amongst the lights of the city. The sidewalks were packed with people, out enjoying their Saturday night, dressed to the nines in their sparkly heels and dresses and designer jeans. It was all so new to me, how the city never seemed to sleep. It was as if I was living in a whole new world now, one I still wasn't quite sure I liked or not.

I wrapped my arms around myself when I stepped out into the still somewhat chilly night. Taking a deep breath, I nodded to the doorman, who now seemed to recognize me, before heading into the building. It was officially too late to go back, I was going to have to go through with it now, mistake or not.

As I stood in the elevator, I began to mentally prepare myself for what would happen when I got to Louis' apartment. Most likely he just needed someone to fetch him a glass of water and tuck him into bed, but deep in my heart, I prayed that wasn't it. A part of me felt so nervous about the uncertainty, I wasn't used to not knowing what would happen. However with him, that always seemed to be the case. Everytime you thought you knew him, he would show you a new side, whichever one he needed to get what he wanted. When I opened that door, any version of Louis could be on the other side. It was a risk I was going to have to be willing to take.

Anxiously, I knocked on the door, kneading my hands together while I waited for him to answer. It took him a while, it seemed, before the door finally opened.

As soon as I saw him, my breath caught in my throat, just as it had the first time we had met. Whatever it was about him, and I wasn't sure what it was, mesmerized me, dragged me in, like he was my gravity, and I was falling into him. Falling for him.

The blue of his eyes, the way his hair stuck up just so, like he never brushed it properly. His smile, his laugh, his voice, the way he moved, the way he could make you feel as if you were the only other person in the entire world. Time after time, people asked me what it was about him that I loved so much. But how could I even begin to answer that question? I loved all of him, every single, thing that he comprised of. I had no reason for it, it just was. Him living was the death of me.

Without even a word spoken between us, I found myself slipping my hand into his, gripping it tightly. That one little gesture, it was everything. Every emotion I had ever felt and ever wanted to feel. If the world was to end now, I could die happy, knowing that I had known what it was like to hold a little piece of perfection in the palm of my hand. Even if I never came in contact with it again, it had happened, and that was good enough for me.

Tears pooling in my eyes, I brought them up to meet his. Though they were hazy and unfocused due to the effects of alcohol, they were still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, as if they held all the answer to the world. I knew that there was no way that he could ever fully be mine, that he could possibly love me the way I loved him so much I thought my heart would burst, but I didn't care. I would give everything I possessed in the world just for a few minutes of his time.

"You're so beautiful." He said suddenly. "God, i'm lucky."

"Stop it Louis." I said. "You don't mean that, you know you don't."

He brought a hand up to my face. "Of course I do. You're not like anyone else, Stel. I'll never be able to find someone like you, I messed up thinking that I would."

"Don't lie to me." I whispered through my tears. "I know you're drunk, but please don't lie to me. You don't have to, i'm here, aren't I? You already know I would do anything for you, you don't have to make shit up to try and talk me into it."

He put hand on my cheek, wiping the tears that were falling away. "Why are you crying?"

Because i'm falling in love with you all over again, and you don't even care. I thought, but of course I didn't say that out loud. "I don't know." I lied.

Louis pulled me into him so that I was wrapped in his arms. "You don't have to cry." He whispered into my neck. "I'm not going to hurt you, I swear I wont. You're safe with me."

It was lies, it was all lies, I knew it was. But maybe he was onto something. Maybe lying was the best way to get through life, that way you never had to face the consequences of the unforgiving harshness of the truth. So I decided to do what he was doing and lie to myself, tell myself that he loved me, even though he didn't. Maybe tonight, he did. That was enough.

I kissed him, softly at first, tentatively. But as soon as his lips were on mine, it was as if I had no control of myself, I needed all of him, it felt as if I would die if I didn't get it. I kissed every inch of him I could get my hands on, his lips, his neck, his cheek, all the while holding onto his hand. It made it intimate somehow, as if he actually cared about me, enough to hold my hand, as if this was something more to him.

"Come with me." He whispered, his lips gently brushing against mine.

"Okay." I replied, not loosening my grip on his hand as he led me through the living room, down the hall, towards a slighlty ajar door. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, the last time this had happened, I had had no self control, and I had a feeling this time would be no different. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but all I knew was that it involved him.

The full moon provided a source of light in the otherwise pitch black bedroom. I didn't take a good look around, I didn't want too. It would only make me more attached to him. He sat down on the bed, pulling me in between his legs. Almost immediately, his lips once again found mine, kissing me with a tantalizing gentleness.

My hands found the hem of his tshirt, which I began to lift up over the smooth, toned muscles of his stomach until he was completely shirtless. He did the same with my leggings and hoodie, until I was once again left in nothing but my underwear and his T-shirt.

"Is this mine?" He asked, his hand softly trailing down my side.

I nodded, and in the dim light of the moon, I could see his eyes grow dark.

"I think we'll keep this on." He said softly, pulling me down onto the bed so that I was now laying on top of him. However, in one swift movement he had us rolled over so that he was now looking down at me, a few loose strands of light brown hair falling into his intense eyes.

I used the hand he wasn't holding to softly trail a finger down his cheek, his shoulder, and then finally, to his arm, where it stopped on his scar. He flinched when I made contact with it, but said nothing, so I allowed myself to land a soft kiss on it.

"Don't do that." He said suddenly. "I hate it, it's so ugly."

"No!" I protested. "It's perfect. You're perfect."

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry. It's just, that scar, I try to forget it's there. It reminds me how fucked up I am."

"I'm fucked up too." I admitted. "But that doesn't matter, not now."

He kissed my neck softly. "Do you trust me?"

No. "Yes."

"And you're sure this is what you want?"

"Yes." This time I was certain.

"Okay then." He said, a hint of nervousness in his tone. I heard a soft clinking, most likely him unbuckling his belt, and the rustle of fabric being taken off. Now all that was left between him and I was the T shirt and underwear.

Still holding my hand, he leaned over and pulled open the drawer of the bedside table, digging around for something. I couldn't see what it was, but when I heard a soft tearing noise, it wasn't heard to guess.

"Are you absolutely sure?" He asked again.

"Yes!" I said, trying to convince myself. My heart was racing a million times a minute, I was afraid that if he didn't hurry, I would change my mind.

Gingerly, he pulled down my underwear, casting it aside. I shuddered involuntarily, feeling vulnerable and exposed. What if he judged me? I had gained a lot of weight in the last year, and I wasn't exactly looking my best, I had stretch marks and cellulite I could do nothing to hide. Plus, he had probably been with so many beautiful girls, and was so experienced, when the only notch on my bedpost was Niall.

"You have to relax." He groaned, repositioning himself.

"I'm sorry." I squirmed uncomfortably.

"It's fine." He said irritably. "Just stay still."

I stopped moving, trying to keep my breathing steady. And then, before I could event think about doing anything to stop it, it was happening.

I held onto him tightly, burying my face in his neck. I had imagined this so many times, but now that it was real life, not just fantasy, well, it was almost too overwhelming.

Tears began spilling down my cheeks, and I was glad he couldn't see my face. With every movement he made, with every sound that escaped his mouth, my heart broke more and more and into tinier and tinier little pieces, until I just lay there motionless, feeling absolutely nothing at all.

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally moaned my name softly before collapsing next to me, breathing heavily.

"That was fucking incredible." He said finally. "Wasn't it?"

I didn't answer him. I just kept staring up at the ceiling.

"I think I may be in love with you" He yawned, smiling softly.

No you arent.

Don't tell me you love me.

You don't love me.

"I think i'm going to bed now, but you can stay the night if you want." He yawned again.

I don't even love myself.

"Can we cuddle?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"What?" He asked sleepily? "Oh, um, yeah I guess."

He haphazardly draped an arm over me, spooning me into him. Although I wasn't facing him anymore, after about five minutes I heard him softly snoring.

I looked out the window, tears streaming down my cheeks, my body aching, my mind empty, and my heart shattered.

Nobody loves you.

His hand had slipped from mine long ago.