1,000 Ways To Die While Wearing Pants

The First Death

That day I went out in the world and found a job! No just kidding! I really got stoned and passed out by a bush that had similarities to Abraham Lincoln. I got rudely woken up about 5 hours later by two annoying ass bimbos screetching in my ear. -_- "OH MY GOD IS HE DEAD!?" MMM! *gasp* "NO ASHLEY HE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT DEAD BECAUSE HE JUST TOOK A BREATHED!" MHMM!! "Well should we like call an a-m-b-u-l-a-n-c-e or something!?" Wow were these bitches too stupid to even pronounce ambulance right. And no I don't need a fucking ambulance! I need to open my damn eyes and get my legs to function again. Uhm, can you two please help me off the ground or something!? "AHH! Oh my god Stephanie He is alive!" UGH! No Shit! Now are you goign to help me or just stand there and wait for the slut patroll to take you back to SLUTzerland!? "UH! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO US!?" I'm saying, Have you seen a red light lately, cause bitches need to stop! *points to there overly short short-shorts and gapping tops* "UH! HOW DARE YOU TALK TO US LIKE THAT! WE'LL CLL THE POLICE ON YOU FOR HARASSING US!" Harassing you!? Your skanky face is the one that decided to bother me while I was taking a nice little nap on the street! "UGH! I would pay good money to see assholes like you beten up!" BITCH I'D SMASH YOUR FACE IN FOR 50 CENTS AND A DR. PEPPER!! Ooh, I would actually do anything for a Dr. Pepper... "UH! WHATEVER! COME ON ASHLEY, LETS LEAVE THIS LOW LIFE TO BE GAY IN THE STREETS!" Wow, Gay, That's a good one! Why don't you tell that to your many boyfriends! "SHUTUP!!" With that, they finally left. There mega high heals clicking and clacking on the streets. I had to smirk to myself. Haha SLUTZERLAND! I'm really pissy when I'm hung-over. Eh, oh well. Time to get going! I started walking around town aimlessly becasue I was obviously still drunk and hopelessly lost, but it felt like someone was following me. *turns around like wolverine after he just got done slicing' some bitches in half* Sure enough, someone was following me. An tall,stalky  man who looked to be about in his late 30's early 40's was trailing slowly behind me as if trying not to be noticed. Heh, Fucker! Well I'm not getting raped by some horny creep tonight! Strangly enough, This whole situation made me happy. Hah! Don't think wrong you creeps! I mean I'm happy because I can put up the fight of my life tonight if someone attacks me because even if I die, I'll always wake up in the morning. Yupp I most deffinately wanna fight! Time to make myself noticed! :D YEAH! I'M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WOORLD! MADE OF PLASTIC! AND SO FANTASTIC! ~COME ON BARBIE LETS GO PARTY!~ Soon enough the stranger noticed my abnoxious singing and decided to interrupt with a deep cough. "Uh excuse me sir, were you just singing Barbie girl?" You bet your Ballsacks Bub! "Hah! Good one! well anyways, I noticed you walking down the street like your lost or something and I couldn't help wonder if you needed a job." .....Your Mom is fat! "Wow your a strange one...but anyways, would you like a part time job in my comic book store?" What The Hell!? Did I just get offered  job!? Well I was to dumbstruck and drunk to give a proper responce so all that came out was Uhhubah... "Great! you can start tomorrow!" "Your shift starts at 4:30 and ends at 6:00, the comic shop is called All That And More and it's just down the block from here." Uhm o-okay, thank you. "Don't sweat it. My names Jack by the way." "I'll be your new boss." "And your name is?" Oh uhm, IS. IS Sheperds. I think... "That's a cool name. Well it was nice to meet you IS and I hope to see you on time tomoroow at 4:30." Okay. "Well I'll let you go; I'll see you tomorrow Mr.Sheperds." "Have a good night." .....Wait so you don't wanna fight!? By then he was already down the street so he either didn't hear me or he chose to ignore me. Pfft! Asshole! ...Darnit! I was really looking forwards to a good fight too! *pout* well sweet! I just got a job without even trying! TAKE THAT HEDES!! >:D *I screamed looking up at the sky* ....Boy did that get me some weird looks. Hmph! I think it's time to go home now. It's been a long, awkward day.

While I was walking home I noticed that the streets of New York are pretty vacant at night. Well that, or I just live in one of those terrible neighborhoods where only the rapists are out this late at night. Speaking of that, what time is it anyways? My phone read 9:57. Shit....only three miniutes untill my 'daily death'  I wonder how it's going to happen anyways. Will some psycho come out of nowhere and stab me continuously in the face? Will some kind of mutant shark swallow up from the ground? Because I have to admit, that would be pretty cool. I nervously stared at my phone untill it finally reached 9:29 well this is it! *holds breath*........nothing's happening. Shit! I knew I was overreacting! But just as I started to relax and skip down the street to my appartment, I felt a huge pain in my chest like I just ate 5 punds of greasy hamburgers. Oh C-Crap! I put one hand on my chest and braced myself on the wall with the other. Hmm, so this is how it's going to happen. A Heart Attack. The next thing I knew I was lying on my side gasping for air. I heard a few screams and couldn't help but chuckle because ~I Knew Something They Didn't!~ Well, this is it. Day one. Fuck you Hades. ^_^

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