Nest Among The Stars

Uncertainty - Part 9

Before her death she had become interested in existence beyond physical reality. Michael's love for her did not allow him to attempt to limit anything which might bring comfort to her. He indulged her, discussing the possibility of a supreme being, a creator who gave the gift of life. But it made no sense. Life wasn't a gift; it was simply the product of biological processes. If a gift, why were there so many strings attached; struggle, trials, turmoil and hurt? Would not a better gift have simply been to create humans in the paradise promised to them only after death?

We were being perfected she would say, being guided to a point where we acknowledged God simply because 'He' was God, and not because of what we could get from 'Him'. This explanation was unsatisfactory; didn't most who sought after God do so in order to receive rewards in an afterlife? They wanted something from God, if not now, then later. No one, no matter how devout they thought themselves, served God simply because of who 'He' was.

At first, when together, they had always come to the conclusion that such a being could not possibly exist. However, Michael knew that when he was absent from her she would read the materials used in his historical studies of religions. Her secret research seemed to bring comfort to her mind as the killing disease ravaged her body. He turned a blind eye, never letting her know he was aware of her unauthorized inquiry.

She died with an inexplicable peace about her. As death removed her from him she whispered consolation, telling him not to be concerned about the future, to keep looking, there was a purpose to it all. To him they were words from a dying mind grasping at a last respite, not wanting to be concerned that death was grieving a loved one.

Her death embittered him against the idea of a giver of life. If it were so precious, why is it so easily and capriciously taken away? And adding to his bitterness, only a few months after her death, the disease was isolated, a cure was found. A mutated by-product of terra-forming, brought to Earth by colonists, had killed her. If God existed, if 'He' loved us, if 'He' gave us intellect to overcome the dangers 'His' universe offered, why did 'He' have such a poor sense of timing? If God wanted the credit for life, 'He' had to accept the blame for death.

A coldness entered Michael's heart after she was gone. Any further religious studies ended and the idea humans might have a co-existing spiritual nature was never again considered. Nathaniel had continued a monologue at the kitchen table that morning, encouraging Michael to consider the transmutation he claimed to have overheard the villagers talking about. While listening, Michael had lapsed into quiet contemplation with dormant thoughts awakening as light shone into dark uncomfortable places. Foundations for Michael's universe were shaken when the Aliens first made contact, ending human supremacy in the universe, and now Nathaniel's words were toppling the already unsteady structure.

Confused, he left Nathaniel in the house, at first wandering to the town square and eventually finding himself in front of the church. Trying to sort out the conflict in his mind he considered entering the building but failed to do so, disturbed by thoughts of being surrounded with religious icons. Turning from the steps leading to the doors he saw the stone angel staring down at him from its pedestal. It was only his imagination which changed the inanimate heavenly being's line of sight. He knew it was looking towards the church. Even so, he did not want to be in its presence. He ran to the safety of the shuttle's technological familiarity; the known world, his world, that promised to ease his mind; and so he sought its embrace and assurance. He also sought answers from someone he could trust, although that trust too was being sorely tested.

"Gabe?" Michael asked into the re-circulated air of the empty cabin. Normally it wouldn't have been a question, but recent experience sharpened his appreciation for the computer's presence and he wasn't taking it as a given that Gabe was there.