out of the binary - a journal

edges and relying

4/1/17

well here is a depressing chapter about death there's the warning I'm so sorry I just... bleugh.

Out of the seven point something billion people on our planet, I care about six people.
I have other friends, other people I would say I liked, but I love six people.

All of them I love platonically.
One of them I love romantically.
Two of them I would consider almost siblings.

But... I rely on those six people. Too much.

Without them I would most definitely be dead.

I don't live for myself. Sure, I enjoy things in life, like YouTube and music and tv shows, but actually living and continuing to exist, I can't find the strength to do it by myself.

I only live for other people and that scares me.

I thought I had someone I could trust with everything, with my entire being, and they basically ripped my heart out with a few texts.

I've found now that I do have people i can trust, people i would share my soul with.

But that doesn't mean I'm not scared of them going and hurting me. I'm always scared. I trust them with my life and me being scared contradicts my trust in them.

But my brain is always questioning things like 'what if they do leave me, and I decide that it isn't worth existing anymore'.

I've come close to the edge. But the thoughts of the six people who I hope care about me, and would care and be upset if i were to die, they've kept me going.

But I can't see them, its holidays and thats good because a break from school, and stress, and people drama, but I'm fourteen, have shitty parents who either don't give a shit or care way too much; I can't just leave and just be able to be with the people i love.

And I don't know what to do.

- Lane

(Leaf Prince - I'm sorry, I know I can talk to you, but i didn't know when or how I could explain this to you if it doesn't even make sense in my mind.)