My Journal.

January 12th, 2014 9:46 PM

Dear Journal,

It's been good this week. Why? Because I got him back, finally. I can call him mine again. I can kiss him again. I can show him how much he means to me so I don't lose him again. But there's a boy who keep's liking and commenting on my photos. It's scaring me, a lot. I don't even know who it is. Like, bitch. I have a perfect boyfriend. I don't need this.

But when I look at my body, I still think the same. I'm just an ugly, fat, scarred piece of worthless chemicals. I seriously wish I could commit suicide. I made a promise to Him and my bestfriend. But even with that promise, I can't help but to think of it so often. I want to leave the world. I have my stash waiting, but I can't hurt them. It would crush them to pieces. I can't stress them out if it's failed attempt. I'd lose them forever.

I can barley even eat anything, to be honest. I don't want to eat. I want to be perfect, and that means being skinny. If I was skinny, maybe I wouldn't have lost him before. I work out too. I just can't get skinnier. I need to for my own sanity.

And the stupid part is, I think someone actually cares about what I'm saying, or what I'm thinking. What's crazy is that I actually think I should write this down. I just want a perfect life, and this will get me no where. Again, I know I'm going no where so why should I still live? My heart beat's more when it's broken. I wish it hadn't started beating in the first place. In all reality, there would be less stress for everyone I know. I can't stop thinking that everyone would be happier?

Should I be thinking that? Should I be considering killing myself? I mean my soul is dead. Why can't I be? Mamma said I'd be better off living because I'm young. I said I'm better off dead because I'm just wasting air.

Why can't I be like everyone else? I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I'm helping someone. If I can't do that, I can't live anymore.

-Starlet.