What The Heart Craves (Complete)

Chapter 14 - Part 2

Lacey

It was dark when I opened my eyes. My head still hurt a little. I was alone. The space beside me was empty. I sat up and scanned around the room. My bedroom door was slightly ajar where the light from the passageway streamed through. I could hear Adonis talking to someone. "I just can't."

Slowly, I moved off the bed and crept closer. I hated the idea of eavesdropping on him, but the curiosity won and I leaned closer. Through the door, I peered. His back was to me and he was speaking into his phone.

"Reschedule it." It wasn't very often I heard him used that determined tone. Whoever he was talking to didn't seem to realize that he would not back down.

"I can't. I've got personal stuff going on," he said, and I leaned closer. Was I his personal stuff? I held my breath as I continued to listen.

He let out a sigh and ran an agitated hand through his hair. It was the first glimpse I got of the toll my illness was taking on him. I was all I'd been thinking about. It had all been about how I was handling it and what I needed. My eyes stayed on Adonis. Not once did I consider what this was doing to him.

"I don't want to talk about it," he snapped and then he sighed again. There was visible tension in his shoulders.

"Look, I need time off. I have stuff going on and it's going to take longer than a few days."

Was he canceling gig with the band because he didn't want to leave me? He'd worked hard to get where he was, and this was what he'd been born to do. I couldn't imagine him doing anything else.

"Don't push me," he said to the caller, and I stepped back from my door as I'd heard enough.

I went back to my bed and sat down. I didn't want him to give up what he lived to do because he didn't want to leave my side. It wasn't like I couldn't cope with him beside me for a few hours. Did he not want to leave my side because it scared him this would be all the time we would have together?

What would happen if he blew off more appearances? I wouldn't allow him to jeopardize his career for me.

I lay back down in my bed, not wanting him to know I had overheard him. After a few more minutes, Adonis returned quietly, so he didn't wake me. I kept my eyes closed as he lay on my bed beside me. The soft touch of his fingers against my forehead soothed me, and I felt the gentle touch of his lips against my forehead.

"I love you," he whispered as he took my hands in his.

My heart stuttered. He loved me. I knew he cared about me, but I didn't think he would feel so deeply already. Hearing him say those three brief words made me feel like I had everything I had ever wanted, but for how long?

What if I didn't survive the surgery and now was all we had? It wasn't fair. I kept my eyes closed, and I felt the warmth of his hands enclose mine.

Sadness seeped into me moment by moment. He was my rock that had kept me going and pulled me through the difficult moments. I couldn't comprehend trying to handle this without him. Did that make me selfish?

What impact would this have on him? He was already blowing off stuff for me. One or two appearances he would probably get away with, but what if he blew off too many? It would impact on his future.

I wanted to live. I wanted to survive the surgery. But I had to consider I might not. If I died in surgery or if I survived but could not be a fully functional person, what would that do to him?

I imagined how I would feel if I was in his shoes. How would I feel if he was the one who was sick and needed surgery? It would be hard and heartbreaking not to be able to do anything for him while I watched him suffer.

Being together had felt so right, but what if it wasn't the right thing for him? He would grow closer to me, and it would be more devastating for him if I didn't make it.

The heaviness in my chest reminded me that loving someone didn't just entail happiness and smiles. It included sacrifice. It was about putting someone else's well being above your own, even if it meant hurting them to do what was best for them.

Steady breathing beside me showed Adonis was sleeping, and I slowly opened my eyes. I swallowed the emotion as I took in his features. My eyes caressed every precious feature. A tear slid down my face as I gently pulled one of my hands free and softly brushed my fingertips against his cheek. I loved him. I'd felt this way for the last five years, and I would love him for every breathing moment I still had. And beyond.

It wasn't fair what I was doing to him. My only consolation was if I stopped it now, it would somehow hurt him less. I didn't even want to consider how much it was going to hurt to push him away, but I had to do the right thing.

The choice went against everything my heart craved, and I wept quietly.

Tomorrow was the appointment with the specialist and I would need to tell them my decision. I still had so many questions I needed to ask the specialist.

Adonis would want to be there for the appointment. I couldn't be cruel enough to stop him, so I would wait till after the appointment to set him free. It physically hurt to think of what I had to do. I questioned my choice repeatedly, but I hoped I was doing the right thing. I loved him and I didn't want to hurt him.

That night I didn't sleep well. I spent most of my time wide-awake watching Adonis sleep beside me. When light filtered through the curtains, I slid out of the bed as gently as I could and went downstairs.

There was activity in the kitchen. My family was having breakfast. My parents were sitting next to each other, their half eaten breakfast pushed to the side. They were just staring at each other. My brother was studying his cup of coffee. Before we got my diagnosis, our household was carefree and filled with laughter. Now it wasn't.

My illness had sucked the joy out of my life and all that remained was an anxious sadness of what was to come. It didn't just affect me; it affected everyone who loved me.

When my mom noticed me in the doorway, she gave me a warm smile, but I could see the worry etched in her features. My brother was sitting at the kitchen table.

"Hi baby." She walked to me.

"Mom," I said. She hugged me and I breathed her in, trying to take comfort in her arms. Moms make us feel better when we needed it. She noticed I'd held on a little tighter than usual. She pulled away from me slightly, looking at me with a frown.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked. I smiled to cover up the sadness inside..

"Nothing," I answered, trying to hide my inner turmoil. My family couldn't get the same reprieve I could give Adonis. I wouldn't be able to lessen their burden.

"Are you hungry?" she asked. I wasn't hungry, but I nodded.

I sat beside my brother and watched my mom making me some breakfast.

"Gray still sleeping?" my brother asked and nodded my head. "Link called me this morning. Gray is blowing off a big gig and they do not know why. All he told him was that he had personal stuff going on."

So that's who he'd been talking to last night.

"You okay for them to know about your tumor?" he asked.

"Sure," I knew them well. It wasn't like I was shouting my illness from the rooftops. Besides, once I pushed

Adonis from my life, he would need his band members who were practically a second family to him.

My brother threw an arm around me and pulled me to him. It was so unlike him to be so affectionate, but I understood. "You're going to be fine." Then he released me. I was sure if he was talking. Was he saying those words for himself?

I bit my lip, trying to keep myself from getting emotional. I wanted to believe him, but I didn't.