WARNING! Fairy Tales

05. Coal Black and the Seven Dwarves

They threw each other uneasy glances. "It could have been...you know," whispered Number Two in a hushed undertone, "shaved off."

There was a collective shudder.

"Poor little fellow," Number Three said.

"We should take him in," Number One said. "At least until his beard has grown back and he's fit to show himself in polite company again."

"But...we still don't know what he is. No beard, no helmet, no axe..." Cautiously, one of the dwarves lifted the white linen wrapped around the thing, maybe in the hope of finding a little battle ax tucked away somewhere. He discovered something quite different. "Hey! He hasn't just got no battle-axe! He's got no knob, either!"

"What?" Number Four exclaimed.

"Let me see!" Number One demanded.

After they had all assured themselves that their curious find was indeed as knobless as it was beardless, they gathered in a tight circle for an official clan meet.

"Be welcome, my brothers!" Number Four, who acted as head of the clan this month, cleared his throat. "We, the proud warriors of the Black Mountain dwarf clan, have gathered here together to discuss the grave crisis that has befallen us, namely, the appearance of a pink, gurgling creature of unknown origin in our midst. Be it friend or foe? Be it dwarf or monster? This is what we have come hither to determine. We must all remain calm, and confer in a serious and seemly manner about what is to be done."

"No knob! No freaking knob! Just a little slit and—"

"Be quiet, Burin!"

"...and not the tiniest little bit of hair! Not at all! Ye Gods! Can you imagine how draughty that must be in December? I can't even—"

"I said be quiet! We are not here to talk about winter temperatures. We are here to discuss the fate of the pink creature!"

"I say we give it an axe and a helmet and send it down the next tunnel," said Number Five. "If it's a dwarf, it'll know what to do. If it isn't, what the heck do I care?"

"We can't do that," said Number Six, and Number One nodded in support. "It's so small! It wouldn't be able to hold the axe! How is it supposed to mine coal, let alone kill wolves and fight against other clans?"

"But can we take it in?" asked Number Three. "If we don't even know what it is, and it hasn't got a...you-know-what?"

They all went over to the pink creature to check if it had grown a you-know-what by now. But there still was nothing.

"Hm. Most strange," grumbled Number Two, the oldest one of the lot. "We didn't have things like that in my day, I tell you! Everything was right where it was supposed to be when I was a youngster!"

"It can't be a dwarf," stated Number Five. "Not without a knob."

"So what is it?"

"A bear?"

"No, those have fur!"

"A frog?"

"They are green, you stupid idiot!"

"Oh."

"Hey!" Number Seven suddenly snapped his fingers. "I know what that is! I remember now! I've seen one of those things when I went to one of the bighead's towns above ground once! They call those things...whatsitsname...girls! That's right! That's a girl!"

"Gurrrll," Number Six tried out the unfamiliar word cautiously. "And are those 'gurrls' dangerous?"

"Well, they can be pretty nasty. I think sometimes they pull on people's beards."