WARNING! Fairy Tales

05. Coal Black and the Seven Dwarves

"As Your Majesty commands. Any preferences as regards the organ? Maybe the heart?"

"No, let it be the liver. I like roasted liver with onions."

"As you wish, My Queen."

Whistling a merry tune, with a baby princess slung over his shoulder, the huntsman marched out of the castle and into the forest, ready for a little bit of happy slaughter. However, the god of indigestion must have been with the young Princess that day, for, just as they were walking along a mountain path, the Princess crapped into her diaper, and some of the royal refuse dribbled onto the huntsman's bright red hunting coat.

"Crap!" he exclaimed in a not very metaphorical manner and dropped the Princess, who promptly rolled down the mountainside, gurgling happily. And why not? Although she wasn't quite aware of the fact, she had just shit on her would-be murderer. A feat anyone at the age of one day should be proud of.

"What the hell am I going to do now?" demanded the huntsman of the sky.

Since the sky didn't seem inclined to give an answer, and climbing down the steep mountainside after the Princess wasn't an option, the huntsman went on into the forest, killed the first wild goose he came across, and turned back towards the castle. That night, the unknowing Queen dined on goose liver with onions.

*********

Meanwhile, the Princess was still rolling happily down the mountainside. It was a very big mountain. Somewhere halfway down, she suddenly fell into a mine shaft and onto a dwarf's head.

"Ouch!" said the dwarf, who had been hacking away at a coal seam in peace and wasn't used to having children drop on his head. Boulders, yes, whole mountains even, but no children! You had to draw the line somewhere! "By my grandfather's beard! What...?"

The other six dwarves around him stopped hacking and gathered around. Mining is a pretty boring business, and you are glad for any distraction. They all watched as Dwarf Number One picked up the struggling white bundle from the ground. For a moment or two, they stared in silence. The little girl gurgled.

"What's that?" asked Dwarf One.

"Don't ask me!" said Dwarf Two. "You found it."

"It fell on my head! I'd hardly call that finding."

"It looks alive," said Dwarf Six. "Actually, it looks a little bit like a dwarf."

"What? A dwarf? Don't be ridiculous! Where is its beard? Its helmet? Its battle-axe?"

"Maybe it's some kind of tunnel rat."

"No, it has two hands and two feet!"

"But not proper dwarf's feet! They're all soft and squishy. Not stone-hard, like those of a normal person."

"Hm."

"Hm, hm."

Number Five poked the thing's side cautiously. It giggled and made a grab for his finger. Hastily, Number Five retreated.

"It's making threatening noises when you touch it!" he murmured to his brothers. "Don't touch it! Maybe it's dangerous!"

"Nonsense!" That was Number Six, who was the most level-headed of the company. (A big rock had once fallen on top of him, quite effectively leveling his head.) "It doesn't have a single weapon! And I don't think it has teeth or claws, either."

"Maybe it is just a little dwarf," Number One suggested. "Maybe he just lost his axe and helm in the tunnels somewhere."

"And his beard?"