Yes indeed YES INDEED! A Naruto fanfic has been chosen for our first critique. Naruto was the first anime we watched so it only seemed appropriate. We'll be scouring Wattpad for gut-wrenching Mary Sues to add to this book of atrocities. So prepare y...
I mean...those aren't smells that I'd normally expect to drift together in one place. Chocolate and fish? That would gross me out a bit. I also never realized that the good people of Kirigakure had time to mow their lawns. Did lawn mowers exist in Naruto?
What time period are we even in? I'm well aware that the history of this story is far removed from its cannon counterpart, but I need an update on when this kid is living. Is this during when Naruto would be at the Academy? During Kakashi's time as an orphan? When?
This young male was Honecatta, the protagonist of this story. He had white spiked hair that only went down to his ears and eyebrows. His eyes where a brilliant emerald, which captivated anyone who saw it. He had his Kaguya markings, which gave him dark red under eyes, and two red dots on his forehead.
اوووه! هذه الصورة لا تتبع إرشادات المحتوى الخاصة بنا. لمتابعة النشر، يرجى إزالتها أو تحميل صورة أخرى.
This is my, "Not sure how to react to this" face. You don't necessarily need to announce which character is the protagonist. Readers should be able to deduce that considering the narrator is focusing on Honecatta at the very beginning and continues to seemingly do so for the rest of the story. It just seems a bit out of place.
Grammar. May the gods and goddesses have mercy on your grammar. Let's knock out the mistakes quickly. One: "Where" needs to be "were". A simple trick to tell the difference is to take note of the word "here" in "where". Where? Here. Two: "It" should be "them". Honecatta has two eyes, not one. Three: There doesn't need to be a comma after the word "eyes".
Honecatta is an interesting name. I'm not sure if you're intending for it to be Japanese or English, but if you want it to be Japanese then you have some work to do. How you want your readers to pronounce Honecatta is not reflected in the spelling. A Japanese "ne" is not pronounced as a long "neigh". It's short. The only thing that comes to mind as a replacement would be "nae". Also, the pronunciation of the "catta" part would not sound like "caught-ah". When two consonants are together like that it means you read it with a pause. So it would sound more like "caught-(insert short pause here)-ta". You can want your readers to pronounce something a certain way, but in the end the phonetics have to make sense. I can't tell my readers my character's name is John and then say "Oh, it's pronounced Ju-on-ha-nay".
He was wearing a white shirt, which had a zipper and was currently zipped up. He was also wearing dark blue pants and sneakers. To anyone else, he looked like just an ordinary civilian, although in actuality he had recently graduated from the academy. He was heading to the current Mizukage's office to talk to her. She had summoned him personally via mail. As he approached the Kage office, two ninja put their hands on his chest stopping him from entering.
Commas are in unnecessary places. The "current" in front of Mizukage isn't necessary unless there's a past Mizukage that Honecatta also talks to. We know it's the current Mizukage if they're in the Kage's office.
She summoned him via mail? I mean...I would think she would have ninja for that purpose. Why would she go out of her way to write him a letter simply asking for Honecatta's presence? Was he far away before he returned? Send a raven like Samwell Tarly or something.
