"I'm pretty even when I'm not pretty..."

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

-weather is a pleasant (read sarcasm) 35C, anything over 26C is really apocalyptic by my standards.
-nearly pass out vacuuming in said heat.
-never really drink but stand in front of numerous bottles of alcohol and think I might have a pink champagne so put one in the fridge.
-food is prepared, entertaining area set up and house completely tidied.
-Jamie asks for the 50th time when are we starting the family gathering.
-guests are an hour late.
-put another bottle of champagne into the fridge.
-guests finally arrive and other children are allowed to run riot through my house...brilliant.
-hugs are given all round except for me because apparently I am somehow invisible which I find strange as I am standing next to Nick.
-open bottle of champagne.
-proceed through dinner and numerous glasses of champagne.
-hardly eat meat as it does not agree with me and know the 3 chicken kebabs and 2 burgers with caramelised onion will kill me but decide to take one for the team.
-drink more champagne.
-hubs asks if I like his homemade burgers and if I would also like a sausage...think him ridiculous because I never eat sausages...
-open presents as kids are feral and crying to open them.
-explain to dad and his partner that their joint present still hasn't arrived, personalized wine glasses.
-drink more champagne.
-decide to try trifle...decide it tastes like shit and can't understand why people eat it.
-guests finally leave at 10.30pm.
-hubs asks if I feel like a sausage.
-politely decline and have a quick eze tablet instead.
-finally get kids to bed and realise just how bloody tired I am but still have to play Santa.
-pull out Santa presents ready to wrap.
-hubs chastises me for not having them already wrapped, tell him to shut up as its tradition for me to wrap Santa presents on Christmas Eve.
-finally open large box that has Chloe's Santa present inside.
-realise with great horror that it is not Chloe's Hatchimal but in fact the personalised wine glasses.
-sober up in 5 seconds flat.
-explain to hubs what's happened only for him to ask why I never checked the box.
-told him hindsight is a beautiful thing but clearly not what I need right now.
-break out into a cold sweat.
-hubs begins to google shopping trading hours.
-decide this is stupid as neither of us is sober enough to even drive.
-hubs rolls over and faces away from me and confirms he is going to sleep.
-think what a support he is and decide he's cranky cause I didn't want his sausage.
-look up confirmation email and click on the tracking link only to find said business gone.
-realise I have been conned.
-madly go through cupboard to find any toys I have stored to use as a back up.
-decide I will give her a free Pandora charm I was given when I bought a certain amount with some Shopkins dolls.
-wrap presents up and put them out.
-look on eBay to see if I can replace Santa toy.
-buy said toy at midnight.
-ask seller if they can post ASAP, explaining what had happened. Find woman to be very helpful, even sending me a special letter off Instagram that parents are giving to their children to explain why Santa hadn't been able to deliver a stupid toy that hatches out of an egg.
-think that there really are wonderful people in the world.
-think that Chloe better love this thing to death.
-type up a special letter from Santa saying the elves are still working on her present and he will send it to her within two weeks.
-put out Santa letter.
-see that Chloe has left out milk and cookies for Santa...wonder how she thinks Santa has room for 6 fucking cookies.
-stomach just cannot deal so milk is poured back into bottle and 4 cookies put back into bag.
-spend the night wide awake lamenting how stupid I am, what a bad mother I am and how bad my stomach feels and the subsequent farting I have no control over.
-hear children at 1am.
-hear children at 4.12am.
-hear children at 6.25am.
-children come in at 7am sharp for us to open presents.
-Chloe seems satisfied with her note from Santa.
-all presents opened.
-hubs asks if my present is under the tree.
-reply that it is because I put it there after I bought it.
-hubs pulls out Pandora gift bag and wishes me a happy Christmas.
-watches as I open it up and comments 'is that a heart?'
-reply that it is but don't disclose the wings over it remind me of Harrys swallow tattoos and that's why I chose it.
-hubs pulls out an unwrapped box of chocolates that I gave him out of our cupboard the night before and asks why Jamie hadn't wrapped it, Jamie said he was too busy...hubs hands me unwrapped box of chocolates I purchased.
-I remind him that the other present I bought myself is still up in the cupboard.
-decide to go back to bed.
-Chloe follows with a sad expression.
-informs me that they all had little presents from us and that Nick and Jamie had one bigger/major present and that she did not.
-realise that I have fucked up again and promise to take her shopping to choose something.
-wish there was more champagne.
-weather climbs to 38C and I'm sure I'm dying.
-nap for 2.5 hours in the afternoon.
-wake up and realise I have to make another cheesecake for another family gathering tomorrow that I don't want to go to.
-again, wish there was more champagne...