Going Back

Clarity (Her)

I turned the pages in Brian's book, feeling a little more raw with every line. Karen had of course managed to snag me copy, hot off the press, so we could know exactly which battles we needed to fight. I felt Lindsey's hand on my shoulder as he leaned down to lightly kiss me.

"That's enough for tonight, my love. Don't torture yourself. Come to bed, okay?"

I shook my head no. I needed to know everything between these covers and I needed to know now. I'd had half a mind to pick up the phone and dial his number several times during the course of the two hundred pages I'd already read, but I'd resisted knowing that would only fuel the fire. He'd really put quite a spin on all of my major life events- playing the doting husband on each page, when that couldn't have been farther from the truth. Lindsey had reassured me non stop over the last days that this was only a bump in the road. He really has always been my rock.

"Steph?" Lindsey wasn't going to give up, so I compromised.

"Just let me finish this chapter and check in on the kids," I told him. "Then I'll be in."

He kissed the top of my head as to acknowledge my statement. The last two days had contained plenty of turmoil and that didn't even include my issues with Lindsey. He was here for me now, sure, but I hoped I wasn't reading him wrong. I wanted more. I wanted him. I wanted us to be a family- I just hope I haven't blown my chance at that. I had my time alone and I was astonishingly miserable without his love. I was ready to be all in. There was no middle ground anymore and I must have been a fool to think there was. He'd been more than eager to stay with me, to put our differences aside and figure out a way to make it work. He is willing to compromise. We had immediately fallen back into our easy love and I have been leaning on him but I see things from his perspective now.

I had a long talk with Kate the night before. She's shockingly calm about all of this. I think that she's just relieved Lindsey and I are okay again. She told me that she'd realized this was probably a long time coming, and that she knew what she was getting in to when she walked on stage that night in Chicago. We'd decided how to proceed with this PR nightmare as a family and all of us were in agreement that'd we'd release some information in the next days. Accurate information that we could control. That being said, I wouldn't stop worrying about her in all of this. I was glad we were all somewhat confined to the condo- Lindsey and I could both help her out over the next days and were there if she wanted to talk about anything. Her life was certainly changing quickly.

I'd spoken to Lisa as well. I was worried about the boys. Karen had arranged for security at her home, though there had yet to be any issues regarding the nuisance of the press for them. I'd spoken to Landon, who stated that he felt awful. It was evident that the boys too felt betrayed. I'd made arrangements for them to come to dinner once things cooled down a bit, and I was relieved to know that we were all still on stable ground.

Turning back to the book in my lap, I read over the remaining words, coming to an abrupt stop and furrowing my brow. I re-read the last paragraph. Why was Lindsey's name mentioned regarding that night? I had to admit that I didn't have a clear memory of the evening's events, so I picked up the phone to call Karen.

"Hello?" She answered somewhat groggily.

I didn't even offer a greeting, already nervous for what I was about to hear. "Karen," I said quietly into the receiver. "The night before I went to rehab, I need you to tell me exactly what happened. Don't leave anything out."

"Ah, yes," Karen cleared her throat as though she knew the question was eventually coming. "The book isn't that far off, Stevie. He was there. We couldn't get through to you. Nobody could reach you, but we all knew he could. He was always the only one who ever could. You were in bad shape, Stevie. We didn't know what else to do."

I gulped a bit, knowing that she was right and trying to comprehend that I was just now hearing this version of events.

"He came rushing over and you two did your Lindsey and Stevie thing and- well, I don't know. The door was locked and we gave you your privacy. We heard you crying, both of you, we heard him taking care of you, begging you to get better and then you agreed to go. He stayed until you fell asleep. He made sure you were okay and taken care of and then he left. He never said a word to anyone about what happened- he's never acknowledge that evening to me since,but I'll be honest with you- that was the most broken I've ever seen anyone look. He called me every day to check on your progress, to make sure you were alright. It was killing him to watch you destroy yourself, and it was killing him to watch you with Brian. But I suppose it always has... Stevie?" she questioned.

I had been completely silent on the other end of the phone. All these years and I never knew. All these years Brian had taken the credit. I'd always felt like I owed him something for that night, I'd alway had to fight my connection with Lindsey to keep the peace at home. And for what?

"Thanks, Karen," I choked out. "See you tomorrow." I couldn't continue to talk about it. I switched the lamp off on the end table where I was reading and wiped my tears.

I peeked in to the guest bedroom where Kate was sleeping peacefully, Pierce curled up at her side with Livi snoozing contently in her pack and play. My beautiful little family. I walked thoughtfully to my bedroom, closing the door softly behind me. Lindsey was in a light slumber when I pulled the sheets back and curled in close to him, causing him to stir. He could feel my tears when I lay my head on his shoulder.

"What is it, angel," He questioned, wrapping me in his strong arms.

"We've wasted too much time, Lindsey." Though I'd written albums about him, filled books with my thoughts on our love, those were the only words which I could find at the moment. I was done kidding myself about my feelings for him. They'd never faltered, even after all these years. "I don't want to waste another day."

He sat up in bed, flipping on the light, truly waking up for the conversation. "What are you saying? Stevie, are you willing- will you move in with us?" He looked as though he was anxiously waiting my reply, if he had completely dismissed me from ever wanting to move forward this way. He was hanging on my every word.

I smiled genuinely, suddenly nervous. I spoke softly but deliberately, placing my hand lightly on his knee. "If the offer from twenty five years ago still stands, Lindsey, I'd like to marry you."

He blinked a few times, obviously in a state of shock. Before I knew it he was pulling me on top of his lap and kissing me madly. "I love you," he whispered softly, and I clicked the light off again knowing I'd finally made the right decision. After all these years I truly have my Happily Ever After.

The End.

A/N: Thanks to each and every one of you for reading this story! I've had quite a case of writers block a couple times with this one but I've had so much fun interacting with each of you and taking this little journey. Your votes and kind comments mean so much to me! I have another one ready to go, if you guys are willing to start a new adventure with me!