Going Back

Here We Go (Him)

What in the hell was she thinking marrying him? Brian had just closed the door to her room in my face, denying my access to her. He stood in a towel with a smug look on his face telling me it wasn't a good time, they were in the middle of something, if I knew what he meant.

That woman deserved to be loved. To be treated like a queen. And instead she lived with this asshole. But either way, the show stared in just a few hours and I still hadn't had a chance to talk to Stevie about Kate. I'd left her multiple messages at home, planned to speak with her on the plane ride she didn't accompany us for, attempted to pull her aside upon our arrival in Chicago and now I was standing outside her door. But still no Stevie.

I had to grab her before the show started. There was just no way around it. Once I made my way to the venue I found her dressing room but she was gone. Then Kate arrived and I wanted to make sure she was taken care of and situated in a chair by the stage. I showed her who Irving was if she needed anything and re-adjusted the guitar thrown over my shoulder.

I cursed as I heard our cue to enter. I had planned to make it to the other side to grab Stevie before making our way into the stage. I had to tell her Kate was here and I knew she'd be nervous anyway. I wanted to kiss her hand and reassure her that she was beautiful and talented, and escort her onto stage so she knew she wasn't alone. She's always hated walking out alone. We both stepped into the dim light before the spots came up and I could see the look on her face through the darkness immediately. I jogged over to her side and grabbed her hand, walking her slowly to her mic.

"Where have you been, I've been trying to get ahold of you for a week," I said through a clenched smile.

"What? What for?" She looked at me as though she was bewildered. As though she knew nothing of my seemingly relentless attempts to reach her. She was a ball of nerves.

I heard Mick tap his sticks together indicating that we were about to begin.

"I have to talk to you, Stevie," Iwhispered desperately.

"Well I hope it can wait an couple hours," she joked as the other members of the band cued up.

Shit. This is not how I wanted this to go.

I told her good luck and reassured her that she'd be amazing. Our chemistry on stage was unusual. It was back and forth, and I could tell that she was reaching out to me as she always did, but was being pulled back just a bit knowing Brian was in the audience. To some degree though, it didn't matter. It was always just the two of us in the world when she sang some of these songs. She still absolutely amazed me. But my anger came out a bit more than I anticipated during Go Your Own Way, as I dwelled on the distance between us in the last weeks as well as her keeping secrets from me. I just couldn't get past that one.

I listed intently as she dedicated Landslide. I must have furrowed my brow in concentration because when she looked at me she gave me a look that told me to soften up. We could still communicate this way. I looked at her, questioning if what I heard was a subtle nod to our daughter. She answered me with kind eyes and a half smile and I knew that I was right. I picked my guitar gently, now wondering how I could possibly do what was about to happen to this woman. We'd both made mistakes, but at the end of the day as much as I still love Stevie, I am immensely proud of my little girl too. And there was no turning back. This was about Kate.  The song ended and I stepped away from her a bit.

"Thank you, Lindsey."

"Thank you, Stevie."

I stepped back from the mic and Mick came out from behind his kit and began to talk. He told of this natural reconvening of the five of us and the changes in our lives over the years. He told the crowd we'd like our families to join us for this last song and the audience went wild. I glanced over to see Brian and their boys walking out, each handing Stevie flowers and giving her a hug. He wrapped his arm protectively around her as they stood there, the seemingly perfect family. Micks wife and daughters and Johns family joined them as I reached behind an amp to pick up a bouquet of daisies I'd ordered for Kate. I slung my guitar behind my back and motioned to where I knew she was standing back stage, encouraging her to come out as Eddy made his way to Christine.

I knew that I was beaming as soon as she stepped into the light. She was the spitting image of her mother at that age. Easy, natural beauty with her long blonde curls falling gently around her face. She smiled back at me and I'd never been more proud. I extended my free arm, pulling her into a tight hug, and despite my sweat she hugged me back tightly. I handed her the bouquet and stood next to her, taking in the audience's roar and giving her an extra squeeze as my arm rested protectively around her shoulders. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Stevie, trying to see what was going on.

When Kate and I turned to address the opposite side of the arena, I met Stevie's gaze as she realized what had just happened. I wasn't prepared for the volumes that her eyes spoke in that moment. Disappointment. Betrayal. Confusion. Heartbreak. Pride. Everything I'd felt over the past weeks, amplified in front of thousands of people. For that I did feel a little bit bad.

Christine played us into Don't Stop and we closed the show with a bang. I sang and played mostly to Kate, encouraging her 'not to look back' because we were going to be just fine from now on when the lyrics allowed it, and exchanging minimal glances with Stevie. Her eyes were boring holes into me, though. We took our bows and embraced our families. The lights went down and I ushered Kate to the left where Irving was waiting.

Out of my peripheral I could see Stevie break free of Brian's embrace and step with intent towards my position on the opposite end of the stage rather than exiting with her family. I knew what was coming. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Here we go...