My Journal.

January 7th, 2014. 1:54 AM

Dear Journal,

Here's my first writing. I guess we can start with how I lost the most important person to me. He wanted to be friends, but he dosen't know how much it's hurting me. I can't tell him that, though. I would end up losing him for good. And, if I did that, I'd kill myself. I've been awake for roughly 38 hours. I should sleep, but I can't. It's not coming tome when I close my eyes. But, what does is his face. His happy, smiling face, pretty much tormenting me. I miss calling him mine, kissing him, loving him, showing him off to the world. He was my world... I'm so inlove, it's horrid.

But when I look at my body, I think he just hated what he saw. Hundreds of scars and cuts. I mean, who could love that. Oh, right, N O O N E. I can't get him out of my head. I'm starting to think I'm insane because of the things I would do for him to make him mine again. It's so hard trying to let go for me.

I can't let go. It's so hard for me to do. Honestly, I have pills hidden in my room.. Thats the only way I could let go. Suicide. I can't live without him for much longer. He was the only thing that was keeping me alive. I would rather end it tonight. Right now. I'm tired. I'm lost. I'm hurt. I hate myself.

All myself-esteam left when he did. I hate what I see in the mirror. My fat thighs, my chubby tummy, my tear-stained cheeks. I'm scaredof him thinking the same thing I do; Imperfection. I mean, what can I say? I have to eatless, just to bethe one he wants.

Maybe if I skipped school a few times, I could capture his attention again. Maybe he'll be worried about me. Maybe he'll relize I'm the one who could make him happy again. If he thinks all this... Maybe he'll ask me to be his girlfriend again.

Mamma said once a boy's mind is set on being just friends, it won't change. But I'll show her. I'll make him fall inlove with me, all over again. It has to work. I must work. But how do I make it work? Ugh. Love and guys blow. I hate it all so much.

But I can't get enough of it. Love feels something like both fire and relaxation. Relaxing because it's just the two of you against the world. Fire because it hurts so much. But it's also like a damn drug I can't get enough. I need it to continue on. Not just any love. His love.

Love Always, Starlet.