Woman Overboard

Chapter 13 : Understand (2)

Afiba

August 29th, 1820

(2:36 PM)

Avoiding Alessandra was harder than Afiba thought it would be. She seemed to be everywhere.

Below deck, she had the halls to herself. In the silence and stillness of solitude, she felt the weight of pressure, grief, and expectation lifting off of her. She hated the way her crew stared after her when she walked by, expecting a stroke of genius or a brilliant plan. She hated that she had none to give them.

She knew Aless would have ideas. She knew the Broderick Manor better than anyone, after all.

Part of her wanted to talk to Aless. She wanted to ask her what it all meant, how they could have ended up this way, why the world was so twisted and strange. Whenever she thought of Aless, she felt a quick burst of adrenaline in her veins, followed by the unfurling blossom of pleasure in her stomach. The same feelings she felt when Aless kissed her.

That night, she ran away. She ran away from the confusion, the doubt, the strangeness of it all. Aless called after her, but she didn't turn around.

Now, she wished she hadn't left it like this. She had backed herself into a corner. Her only options were to ignore what had happened for the rest of her life, or talk to Aless and find out if she felt the same way Afiba did.

She didn't want to know. Love, as they both knew, was complicated enough on its own. Love between the two of them would be a thousand times more so.

"Afi? Yoo hoo?"

Afiba looked up, realizing Jaiye was waving his hands in front of her. Blinking, she stopped walking and said, "Oh, sorry. I ain't thinkin' right."

"No kidding," Jaiye smirked. "You doin' okay? Ye seem a li'l outta it."

Afiba didn't know what came over her. She couldn't control herself as she shoved Jaiye into the wall and pressed her lips to his. She kissed him with all her consciousness, trying to stir up the faintest resemblance of a feeling for him. But there was nothing. Just the deep, echoing void of desire for another.

When she pulled away, guilt immediately crawled into her throat. "I-I'm sorry," she stuttered. "I di'n mean to, Jaiye, really--"

She would have felt better if he had been angry. His true reaction struck her as worse: he looked shocked, but his eyes were glazed with hope. No! she wanted to shout at him. You don't understand. "It's okay," he said, locking eyes with her.

"It ain't okay," she objected. "Jaiye, don' take that the wrong way. I dunno what I jus' did -- but it don' mean nothin', okay? I just bin confused, is all, an' I thought -- I dunno what I thought." She closed her mouth, too flustered to go on.

"It's okay," Jaiye repeated as though he hadn't even heard her. He took a step closer. "You know Afi, I been wantin' to do that for a long time, now, but I never thought you'd feel th' same way."

She wanted to slap herself for her stupidity. Why did she do that? Had she thought her desires would all become unveil themselves into shimmering, sensical clarity? Had she thought the strangeness of her feelings would evaporate? "I don't," she tried to explain. "I shouldn' o' done that, Jaiye."

His face shifted as though he'd just broken out of a trance. "Wait -- they why'd ye do it?"

Afiba felt near tears. What kind of evil did you have to be to torture your friends like this? She couldn't imagine what it would feel like to have someone you had secretly admired for years kiss you, only to find out they didn't mean it. "Look," she said in a soft voice, "you's what I should love, 'kay? You a man, and you and me, we's black. This outta be how I feel." She sighed, trying not to look at his disappointed eyes. "But I don't. I jus' thought if I tried, I migh' find out that I ain't so strange after all."

"Strange?" Jaiye furrowed his brows. They met at a point behind his eyepatch. "Strange how?"

Suddenly, she remembered they were in the middle of the hallway. "I can't tell you," she said.

"Oh, sure ye can." Jaiye frowned at her. "Hey, if you's gonna mess with me like this, you at least gotta say wha's twistin' yer panties."

Guilt tugged at her tongue. He looked hurt. Letting it get the best of her, Afiba leaned forward and whispered, "I think I'm in love." She felt even worse once she said it, because it was only rubbing in the truth: she was in love with someone, and it wasn't Jaiye.

He pulled back, his face contorting through masks of different emotions: confusion, anger, amusement, and, of course, disappointment. He nodded. "Who is it?" Jaiye asked.

"Well, there's th' crazy part," Afiba sighed. "I ain't supposed to be in love with them."

Jaiye looked her dead in the eye. "It's Aless," he said. "It's Aless, ain't it? Oh, don' look so shocked, Afi. I know ye. I seen the way y'all look at each other."

Afiba felt tears coming and forced herself to hold them back. Jaiye had been one of her best friends since childhood. How could she have hurt him like this? "You ain't made, are you?"

Shaking his head, Jaiye pulled her into a quick hug. " 'Course I ain't. Who could be mad at you?"

"I'm sorry I done that, Jaiye. I were just confused . . . still am, really."

"Well then, no need t' hide it all away." A bell rang. Jaiye took her hand, leading her down the hall toward the dining room. "We'll figure it out together."