Woman Overboard

Chapter 11 : Already (2)

Alessandra

August 27th, 1820

(6:15 PM)

Aless already knew what she should say. She knew how to say it, too. She should sit him down and hold his hand with a pained, compassionate frown. She should explain herself to him and apologize profusely for her actions over the past months.

But she didn't. Instead, Aless let Edward hang by the doorway with an ambivalent look on his face. He still looked sick. He was pale as a sheet and stood clutching his side in pain. She wondered if he too had escaped from the infirmary against Abigail's instructions.

"I, uh, I should have knocked," he said.

She remembered she was naked. Tucking herself beneath the sheets, she shook her head. The chills had subsided; now, she bathed in a tank of perpetual heat. The coolness of the sheet pleasured her for a quick moment before Edward ruined it by sitting down and bombarding her with his own heat.

"I didn't want to barge in on you like this, but we need to talk." He looked at her with the firm resolve of a man who would not be leaving until he got what he wanted. And, Aless supposed, what he wanted was her.

She flipped over so she didn't have to look at him. "I am sick," she said. "I am not to be socializing."

"Nonsense," said Edward. "I saw you chatting with that negro bastard this morning. Don't act like you're too sick to talk."

A rush of cold blood filled Aless's veins. "Were you listening?" she asked.

He made an exasperated noise. "That isn't what we need to talk about right now, Aless. I want to talk about you and I."

Aless sighed in relief. She could only imagine what Edward's reaction would have been to Jaiye's random explanation of homosexuality in the bible.

"I'm tired," she muttered into her pillow. "Come back tomorrow."

Edward placed his hand on her hip, leaning closer. Her skin crawled with a desire to jerk away from him. "Lessie, tell me what's going on," he begged. "Tell me what I'm doing wrong. Honestly, just tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"You are pathetic," she said. "Leave me alone, please."

He didn't. "You've been distant, lately. Since we came here. I want to help you, Aless, but you don't want to be helped."

"Quit bothering me," she grumbled. "And don't act like I owe you some kind of explanation. I owe you nothing at all."

With every word she spoke, Edward's face grew redder. "Well then, I suppose we should just break it off altogether, then?"

He said this with a sarcastic twinge, but Aless just nodded. "I suppose we should."

"Aless, I wasn't --" He grunted in frustration. "Why? Just tell me why."

She turned to face him, feeling more irritated than she had since Danielle was an infant, waking up screaming every ten minutes. When had Edward become so needy? That was one of the things she found most attractive about him: his stability. His detachment, his ability to get up and move on. But now, her illusion of who he was seemed to be crashing down.

"Look, Edward," she said, preparing to make a grown man cry. "If you thought I slept with you because I love you, then you're wrong. It was because I was mourning, okay? And you should have known that. When I was with you, I could pretend you were Daniel for a few minutes."

Edward looked like she'd slapped him. "Aless--"

"Let me finish. After The Elizabeth sank, I realized that I have nothing left of him. And here, Edward, on this ship? I know it's you. I can't pretend. I don't feel any better. I just feel dirty and sinful and disgusting. So yes, I do think we should break it off, if only so you can be free to find someone who truly loves you."

As expected, a tear fell from Edward's eye. "Lessie," he begged. He held her hot, sweaty hand up to his face, forcing her palm to explore the stubble on his cheek. "Give me one more chance. I promise, you won't ever find someone else who loves you like I do."

Aless bit back a sharp retort: I already have. She took her hand back and rolled over on her back, allowing him to kiss her one more time before dismissing him once and for all.