My Journal

12/5/2016

I don't know what I expected. In my head, I make these scenarios where you apologize whole heartedly, and you want me back. And in this scenario, we end up together. I just don't know why I keep thinking about you. You hurt me, more than anyone ever has. And you and everyone else may think I am overreacting. But I think I'm just an overly sensitive hopeless romantic. I used to read romantic stories online, for Pete's sake. I used to dream of the popular guy in school asking me to a school dance. I used to dream of being adored and looked at like I am jewelry. And I still do. But... I can't lie. You took a piece of me. And I don't know if I can get it back. I'm not even sure what you took. I just know that I'm not the same. And I've been through heartbreak, don't get me wrong. But, its was the first boy heartbreak.

I was first hurt by someone I trusted with my life. I'd trust her with my cats, and that's saying a lot because I freaking love my cats. She called me a bitch, lied to me, betrayed me, and I lost my best friend. I moved on, of course. And I'm completely glad I did, because I would have never joined band, never have found a home. I would've never met the great people I've met through band.

But I also would've never met you.

And I can't believe how long it has taken me to get over you. I don't even know why I feel this much about you. But it's been over a month, and I'm currently crying over you, even when I know I shouldn't. I should be over you by now, shouldn't I? I mean, we were barely a thing.

Maybe it's just because I feel so used.

And I genuinely liked you. Gus...I don't know if I ever felt an attraction to Gus like I had you. And Caleb, if I am being honest, I just was seeing where it would take us, I didn't have an attraction to him at all.

And you, well I had an attraction for you the moment I saw how funny you were. And then I quickly backed off because you were taken. So I guess, the moment you called me pretty, it felt like a dream come true. It felt like finally, I had what I wanted. Finally, someone I genuinely liked and got my stomach in knots, likes me back.

If only future me could stop past me from flirting back, maybe I wouldn't be hurting right now.

I wanted to prove to you at banquet tonight, that I look mighty fine when I try, and I wanted you to feel bad. But you seemed perfectly fine, with another girl on your shoulder. You and her seem to "connect" as you would say, like we apparently never did. I am still confused about that too, by the way.

I guess I just made mistakes with you, like you did me. The only difference is when you made mistakes with me, you intentionally were hurting me.

I wish you would've never messaged me happy birthday. I wish you would've never added me on snapchat. I wish you would've never invited me over for Halloween. I wish you would've never let me trust you. I wish you would've never let me fall for you so fast.

Because that's what I do.

I fall fast. I crush hard, and that's why I'm hurting so much. After all, the faster you fall, the more pain you feel. It's physics.

It didn't even bother me that much, seeing you with her. Not until I saw you slow dancing with her. You never showed me off like that. You kept me hidden, as if you were embarrassed ofme.

But, there's this one moment I keep replaying in the back of my mind, from banquet.

I was dancing, and you weren't, but you were standing in a circle with your friends. And over the course of the banquet, you and I would purposely did not make eye contact, and we stayed a healthy distance away from one another. But this time, we both stared at each other. And it was for a good 10 seconds, you stared at me in shock and what looked like amazement.

I don't want to read too much into it, because I don't want to get my hopes up. But to me, you were shocked that I was that close to you and amazed that looked so good tonight.

But no matter how much I wanted to hate her, how much I wanted to be her in your arms. I couldn't find it in myself to hate her. I'm not that person. You changed me, but not to the point to where I hate everyone. I still see the best in people. I still believe everyone has good intentions. I still believe everyone is sweet and innocent until proven guilty. I still believe that she deserves to be happy, even if I'm not.

So I hope she makes you happy. I hope you don't hurt her.

Pleaes, don't hurt her.