WARNING! Fairy Tales

01. The Fishy Little Mermaid

When she broke the surface, the first thing she saw was a mighty palace, standing upon something that looked somewhat like the bottom of the sea but, strangely, had no water on it.

"This must be the place my mother told me of," the little mermaid said to herself. "The place called 'mainland,' where people are dry, and where there are no sharks that eat your sisters, and where you don't have to force down seaweed for breakfast every morning. What a wondrous place it must be."

Now, the little mermaid pondered what to do.

"Oh, what the heck!" she exclaimed. "I'm not going to sit on my fins for the rest of my days! Let's have an adventure!"

And she ventured forth towards the mainland.

It just so happened that, at this very moment, the handsome prince was strolling along the cliffs beneath his palace. A romantically helpful gust of wind suddenly gripped him and threw him down, down into the sea, and he thought his days were numbered. But, actually, they were only being alphabetized.

"Oh no!" the little mermaid cried, seeing the lone figure fall from the cliff. "He's going to get wet! And he was so wonderfully dry before!"

With a loud splash, the prince hit the waves and disappeared into the ocean. Diving down, the little mermaid managed to grab one flailing boot and pulled. The boot came off. Muttering a curse she had learned from a very nasty old sea snake, she dived down again and grabbed the young man around the waist, pulling him upwards until they broke the surface of the sea.

The moment they were up in the sunlight, the little mermaid's eyes went wide. Diving down, she hadn't really been able to stop to think or look. Now, for the first time, she realized that not only did the strange boy have legs instead of fins, but that the rest of him was most wondrously formed: strong arms, broad shoulders, and a bold, square-jawed face that was so handsome, she could have fainted on the spot. He was the most beautiful creature she had ever seen! Suddenly, the little mermaid became very aware that his body was pressing tightly against hers and that she was wearing nothing but the customary sea-shell bikini of all little mermaids.

The prince, for his part, was staring at the little mermaid just as awed. "Your fins..." he murmured, his eyes blazing. "The seaweed in your hair..."

The little mermaid turned her face away, ashamed. She knew she should have combed out her hair that morning!

"You're so beautiful!"

Surprised, the little mermaid peeked up at him. "What?"

"You're beautiful! The most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life!"

The little mermaid felt herself turn blue, as all sea creatures do when they blush. "You...you're just saying that."

And then the prince took her face in both hands and lifted her chin, so she had to look into his deep, deep, deep blue eyes. Before, the little mermaid had thought that the Mariana Trench, where the ocean floor was ten thousand nine hundred ninety-four meters from the surface, was deep. She had been wrong.

"I am not," the prince said, "just saying that."

And then he kissed her.

Later that day, the prince strode into his minister's chambers, wet from head to toe, a radiant smile on his face.

"I'm in love!" he announced. "I'm going to marry!"

"Finally!" Breathing a sigh of relief, the minister sagged into his ministerial chair. "I'm so relieved that at last you've gotten this mermaid nonsense out of your system! Who is she?"