I Write Weird Things

Persistent Memory

November 28th, 2016

For some reason this one persistent memory kept springing up to me through my sickness yesterday. One of my moments of madness. I'm sure it was a while ago and I must have been so tired, I can barely remember much else about it. I do recall Sydney was there, and more prominently, Alexis. I was exhausted, in one of those phases that has only happened a handful of times since I started making cognitive decisions, where I was near tears from lack of sleep. I recall trying to sleep in several places in my room while Alexis badgered me to play. She drew on my foot, I can't recall now what. In a move of desperation, I went to the bathroom and tried to sleep on the floor against the door, but my parents forced me out, and when the hallway floor didn't work either, I snapped, as tired as I was, I wasn't making rational decisions. I bolted for the open front door and ran as fast I could, following the split-second idea that had hooked into my mind, the idea that I could sleep easily in the field behind the neighbors house across the street. So that's where I Went, as fast as I could, through the yard under the fence. It was a spring day, cool, not cold, not hot. The field was overgrown with weeds and tall grass, but my mind fancied it perfect and as soon as I was there I fell to the ground to try to sleep. For a few moments I relaxed in my hysteria and reveled in the loveliness. But it was only after a moment that I heard the shouting for me and the sobbing from Alexis as they searched for me in desperation. The sounds of the car starting and the shouts slowly ruined my moment, instilling in me an overwhelming sense of stress and guilt, even through my dizzy countenance.  It was then that I pulled myself up from my green surroundings, gravity pulling me with seducing fingers as I trudged through the clutter in a slow path back to the house. I can't remember much after other than my Mother pulled me into the car and scolded me harshly yelling at me for foolishness and selfishness, all while I felt victim, the tire of the day, the injustice of the situation, my miserableness stabbing me in the heart, in the eyes which leaked from lack of control.

What followed I cannot remember clearly, only that I assume I went to sleep, laying on a cloud as if it were all just a dream or a mistake that I imagined. I think only I will remember, but it was real, more real than any other memory in my soul. This moment stuck to me like a nightmare from long ago, and I suppose that it was.

Those memories which were bad seem to permeate in my memory more obviously than the good ones. So many bad ones that in fact I've started to think of them as good ones just so I will smile at their reoccurrence rather than scowl as I used to be so prone to.