Denial

Chapter 30

"I know you do. Why don't you go see what Grandma is doing. I think she was making your favorite cookies." he said as he placed her on the floor. 

"Okay Daddy." she said before running off towards the house. 

Once she was inside the house Lucas turned to look at me "Can we talk for a minute?" he said to me. 

I looked up at him. "Sure." I replied. 

Lucas walked over to his car and opened the door to grab something.He put whatever it was into his pocket. I wasn't really sure what he was doing. He then walked back over to me and took my hand into his then took me to the wooden swing that was in his mothers yard. He sat down and so I sat down beside him. 

"How are you doing?" he asked me with concern showing on his voice. 

"Honestly? I'm not good. I've cried myself to sleep every night because that the only way to keep my hurt from Lucy. She's devastated and I need to be strong for her. I can't be falling a part in front of her. She misses you and I miss you." I said as tears fell down my cheeks.  "She actually asked me before we came if it was her fault Lucas. Do you know how much that broke me? That's one of the reasons I brought her here. She was missing you but I also wanted to talk to you about this because I am concerned." 

Lucas sighed and grabbed my hand "What did you say to her when she asked you if it was her fault?" 

"I just tried to explain best I could. I told her we would always be her family and that we loved her very much." I said as I wiped a tear off my cheek. "I also explained to her why Mommy and Daddy each lived in their own house at one time and why you would get her during the week and on the weekend. I didn't know what else to say." 

Lucas wiped a tear off my cheek and when I looked up at him he looked devastated. "Maya, I'm so sorry I have caused you so much hurt. I have missed you both very much and haven't really slept at all since being gone." 

I looked up at him and was a little angry "Then why don't you just come home with us? What's the problem Lucas?" I snapped. 

"Well that's why I wanted to talk to you alone without her around. I have had so much time to think about everything that has happened. I realize I should have respected your feelings a lot more than I did and for that I'm sorry." he said to me. 

"You didn't answer my question." I sniffled. 

I watched as Lucas pulled the ring box out of his pocket. I was so confused at what the hell he was doing since we already established this before. Why was he bringing the ring box out. I grabbed a hold of my hand then placed the ring box in it. 

"I know you are probably really confused right now so I want you to hear me out okay?" he said to me."I love you, Lucy, and Levi with all of my heart. I want us to be a family so just hear me out on what I have to say."

"Okay." I replied. 

"I want you to have this ring, Maya. We don't have to get married right away. We can get married whenever you are ready to get married. It doesn't have to be now, I'm fine if its years from now but I would love it if you would accept this ring. I should have said all of this to you the first time around. I know it's early and I know you are scared but I love you so much." he said and by the end of his speech he was crying. "If you don't accept the ring then it's okay but I would still like to come home with you and Lucy." 

I took the ring box and opened it. The ring was gorgeous and I finally had a good look at it where as before it was dark out. I looked up at Lucas as I continued to cry.  I felt so bad for how much I hurt him. Lucas truly did love me and that was evident by the look of hurt that was on his face the night he gave me that ring. I never felt so horrible in my life. I placed my hand on his cheek and smiled as the tears continue to flow. 

"I'll accept the ring Lucas but it's going to be as you said a wedding won't happen for a few years yet. My biggest reason for this is waiting for our relationship to grow but also because if I get married then I want our son in the wedding too. I want to wait until he is older so he can be a part of it. The other thing I want to make sure of is that we don't hurt Lucy ever again. She was so devastated and it killed me because I know how she was feeling. I was her age when my Dad left and while the circumstances are different because he wasn't a good Dad it still killed me. We can't keep doing this to her. It's not so much commitment that I'm afraid of." 

Lucas leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips and the tears still continued to flow down my face. He pulled away and looked at me. "I'm so glad we have worked everything out, Maya. I can't stand being away from you any longer." he said as he wiped tears away and kissed me softly once more. "Will you tell me what you are afraid of so I know?" 

"I have told you before that I was 8 years old when my Dad left me and my mom. He never came back, he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I am so thankful that you are not like that Lucas because I would never wish for anyone more specifically my own daughter to go through the kind of hurt I went through when my Dad left."  I looked at Lucas who was staring at me intently while I talked to him. "While I know that you would be in the picture that same kind of hurt would still be there. I'm scared of Lucy getting hurt the way I was. I realize I have to work on my issues. Mom told me before she left that I should find someone to talk to because I never really dealt with my Dad leaving. Lucy loves you. She loves you so much and adores you. All that little girl wants is for Mommy and Daddy to be under the same roof so she feels like she has a family. Do you know how much I relate to that? I didn't have that until Shawn came into my life when I was a teenager. I know how it feels to want that because I was that little girl once." 

"First of all I want you to relax a little bit because you are worked up and I don't want this stress to get to the baby. Secondly, I'm sorry Maya for all the hurt and pain you endured growing up as a child. I love you so much. There is no one else in this world aside from my kids who I love more than you. It may not have seemed like it before but I'm so committed to you and our kids. I have wanted this for so long and now that I finally got you I admit that I kind of got ahead myself." he said and I chuckled. "But I want this so badly that from now on I am going to be more cautious and talk to you about things first before just going with my gut. I don't want Lucy to be hurt either and I'm so committed to making sure that never happens ever again." 

I stood up off the bench and straddled Lucas so that I was now on his lap. I put my hands through his dirty blonde hair slowly tilting his head back so I could see him. I looked into his beautiful green eyes smiling at him as he smiled back at me. I leaned in and I kissed him so softly but with so much passion. His hands were rested on my hips as I continued to kiss him. I pulled away and looked at him as the tears were still running down my cheeks .

"Come home with me." I said to him and he wiped more tears away. "I'm committed to you too." 

Lucas pulled my face to his and kissed me softly before pulling away. "I want nothing more than to come home with you and our baby girl." he said. 

"I love you." I sniffled. 

"I love you too." he replied.