06.01.2014
5:30pm
I don't only hate the winter for being cold and awkward, I hate it for being the time where you have to spend so much tim with your family. I swear the whole shit is getting worse and worse. A few days after Christmas we went to Ikea with my grandma. Not only that she is a quite hard to maintain person, but also mom is getting more and more tensed, which has a great effect on our relationship. Sarcasm.
She's been hissing at me more than a few times at ikea for being dumb, or doing stuff that makes me look ugly. Heh…I'm always ugly, Mom. So don't worry. Okay honestly, it's not that awesome to spend three fucking hours between decorations, Beds, and other stuff with the thought of suicide all the time on your mind. Not that I don't like ikea, I like it. But not with mom in that kind of mood. It's really difficult.
Yeah..I guess I sound quite pathetic haha.
Afterwards we ate Hot dogs. Honestly I'm a lover of food, and I could be eating all day, but I don't feel very well about my body, so that's why I've been thinking for more than the first time, of getting used to throwing the stuff back up. It just sounds absolutely perfect. I can eat whatever I want, but it won't make me fat. Yeah I haven't done it yet, but I think I might try it out quite soon.
Then there was New Year's Eve. Never felt worse. I hate it. Why did I make it into 2014? I don't want that. I swear it would have been better if I was gone.. sigh. Well whatever. Let's see if i make it into February, I don't think so though. I failed math, and mom and her boyfriend will most likely kill me, so yay.
I drank on New Year's Eve and I'm not proud of it. Since the day I heard mom throw the bottle or glass, or whatever it was around, I decided not to drink. I actually swore it to myself…but yeah. Another thing I can hate myself for. It's not like I hate myself already enough or something. Oh God…why am I so full of sarcasm today…well. Fine.
The days afterwards should actually be what I usually call 'almost perfect days'. We didn't do anything, were all the time at home, and the only bother was, that my parents and my grandma were at home. But they weren't 'almost perfect'. They were just…hard. I've been thinking about suicide every minute. And the fact, that I had to hide it all the time, as they were at home only worsened the whole situation.
I don't know how to feel like. It isn't normal to think so often about suicide, is it? But I just honestly can't stop thinking about it, and it really does feel quite tough. I don't really know what it means...Maybe I'll be gone soo? Hopefully.. It would just ease so much. My stomach hurts at the thought of school..
I've been at town today, at the libary to get a new card. Honestly it felt weird knowing I won't make it to January the 6th of 2015. I feel it. It has to be the end soon. I don't know. Got a few books about the English Royals though. Since we've been watching Tudors, I got quite interested in it. Anyways, as I've been driving home, a man sat down next to me. He was in pain. It was visible, he squeezed his eyes in pain quite often. It made me wish to take that pain away from him somehow, what reminded me of my OC Alaska, who can take pain away from people. Back to that, I remembered a roleplayer, who's character used to be in love with her. But they broke up, because of stuff.
This Rper went on Hiatus, and I realized I hadn't checked up onto her for way too long. I thought of posting a picture asking the people, if they knew how to contact her. But of course, I firstly checked out her account, and what did I find there? Her sister's one week old post, saying she committed suicide. Yes, I did break out in tears. In the bus. And it made me feel horribly uncomfortable, but I couldn't do any different. And then we drove past my school and I just went crazy. I had the worst anxiety attack in a while. It was all mixed together. Wasn't really nice to walk that way into the shop to buy food for my cat. But the worst was, when I got home I couldn't just go into my room and cry. I had to act happy and okay. I hate this so much. I'm feeling guilty for having eaten many sweets. And I really think of trying to throw them up...but I don't know.
I want to cut. Everything seems so blurry and hopeless...and I feel myself distancing from my friends. But I guess that's the way it has to be.. I don't think there's a way for me to be happy. I just can't be happy, whatever I try. And when I think I'm close to it, everything just crashs down again.
