Poetry

To Be Valid

*It was never my intention to break* -Paramore

Sometimes I can't even tell myself what I'm doing anymore. It's as if everything around me is moving at full speed ahead, and I'm screaming in slow motion somewhere, waiting for something but unsure what or who it is. I feel like everything is running in billions of separate frames of existence, and I keep getting thrown back and forth between them. Each time it's like my existence flickers.

I'm in and out of happiness like it's a warm shower of contentment that turns off and on, because someone's messing with the water pressure and I don't know where the lever is.

Sometimes I stare in the mirror and smile and frown, over and over again, in both admiration and disgust. Wondering how to explain to my reflection that things might be better soon. Debating the fact that I knew who I was talking to.

Lost and wishing I knew which parts of me were valid.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning after a nightmare and realize that it might have been a good dream. Sometimes it's the other way around.

I walk down the halls at school and see so many different people, and I judge them harshly or envy them pointlessly. I tell myself things are wrong, and I go right back on my word. I reverse on my promises, and crush my own opinions.

I think about the best parts of me and wonder if they are even good. I take the worst parts and think that they may not be so bad.

I smile whenever I remember that I should, despite everything.

I don't spend all my time thinking about strange stuff, but I do devote a lot of time to it. I judge myself harder than I ever could a stranger and yet I spin in seemingly happy circles.

I write with the force of everything I have and then throw it away.

I put all of my power behind something and then hit a wall.

I break through and realize that it may have been something more than a wall I've shattered. Or I sit on the side of that wall and I stare at the gray brick. At least I can't see myself in something so opaque, right?

I have no idea how to describe myself, and the person I would like to be keeps changing. Each move could be a misstep. Each misstep costs me. I would say that I'm sick and tired of expectations and limitations. Anything else may be untrue tomorrow.

How do I live like that?